My Calling

I was having major writers block yesterday. I have two entries started, sitting in my drafts. I know exactly where I want to go, but I don’t know how to get there. Ironic that a lot of life is like that too; a lot of trial an error, and a lot of mistakes, and a lot of failure. But eventually, we get to where we’re going – even if where we end up isn’t where we thought we were going.

So, I just stopped writing. I didn’t want to force it. I want to be raw and authentic, and I thought if I forced the writing, nothing would flow. This morning, after killing myself in a home workout, I was going to do yoga to stretch and practice mindfulness, but decided to listen to a quick Ted Talk instead since I have been nerding out on them.

Leland Melvin is a retired NASA Astronaut and shared his story about his time in space, and how that time led him to a life of curiosity, perspective taking, and accepting change. Not only did the title of his story intrigue me to watch, but what really caught me was that he was an astronaut. I 100% believe that I missed my calling; I am supposed to be an astronaut.

(Oddly enough, a coworker gave me a Dove Chocolate today, and inside the wrapper was a question: “If you could have any job, what would it be?” I definitely think that this is a sign that I am supposed to be an astronaut).

I can’t pin point specifically was it was that drew me to the stars, our solar system, outer space, NASA, being an astronaut. But I do know that a lot drew me to it and a lot keeps me attracted to space. Before I got my license, my dad would drive me or pick me up from my high school boyfriends house, and he lived along this long stretch of road in Holderness, NH. It was THE BEST spot to stop our travel to look at the sky. He would talk to me about the constellations that we would see and tell me the historical stories behind them. Eventually, once I started to recognize them myself, we would race to see who could spot the constellations first.

I, also, remember visiting the McAuliffe-Shepard Discovery Center, in memory of Christa McAuliffe, as a child. I don’t remember much about the museum itself, but I do remember how it made me feel. I was in awe of the stars and the stories of how they were formed. Looking at images of the Hubble Space Telescope of things that were so beyond my reach just left me speechless. “We live IN THERE!?”

One of my favorite chick flicks is “A Walk To Remember.” Jamie, the lead female character, also enjoyed the sky and constellations, and had her own telescope. Landon, the lead male character, accidentally fell in love with her. He bought a star and named it after her, and he built Jamie her own telescope when she was dying at home. (Like seriously? How romantic.) (You can also create a personalized star map of a specific location and date of an important moment in your life. Future husband, take notes.)

I also geek out over any space movie or tv show; my list of shows and movies about space on Netflix are miles high. If you haven’t seen “AWAY” or “Lost in Space,” I don’t know what you’re doing, but you’re not doing Netflix right.

We are also told as children that when people or animals we love pass on, we can find them in the stars, and they are always with us wherever we go. I still catch myself looking up at the sky, talking to my grandparents. It is calming to think that they are right there with us as we travel through life.

Now, I know I said I missed my calling and should have been an astronaut, and while I stand behind that belief, I have no idea how to actually become an astronaut. My best guess about how to become an astronaut comes from the movies and tv shows that I binge. I have the utmost respect for astronauts and all the training they have to go through – physical, mental, and emotional training. I also believe you have to be incredibly fearless (or have very strong control over your brain and your thoughts) to be an astronaut, living on the International Space Station. Have you seen the size of the gloves that astronauts wear? And then go out on space-walks to do repairs? Fucking fearless man.

I could go on and on about how amazing astronauts are and how beautiful space is, simply because they are and it is. It is also so much bigger than any of us can ever imagine. I know that is a cliche, but it is so true. It takes 3 days to fly to the moon, and 7 months to fly to Mars. The circumference of Earth is 24,901 miles long. It would take 17 days at 60mph to drive the circumference of Earth. And Earth is smack dab in the middle in size comparison to the other six planets.

Do you understand how small that makes us? We are fucking tiny! And that makes our problems and our judgments and our biases and our opinions and our discrimination against others and our perspectives even smaller. Understanding how small I am in the much greater scheme of things has been incredibly eye opening and a real slap in the face. It has also forced me to be better at looking at the perspectives of other people and understanding that others have different perspectives than I do. I look at my relationships with my students at work, my relationship with my son, my relationships with friends and family and coworkers and strangers on the street. We are all living the same day, but our perspectives of these days are incredibly different. Like the New Hampshire space museum, people don’t remember what you did or what you said, but they do remember how you made them feel. We are already small; don’t make people feel smaller just because your perspectives are different from theirs. Accept their perspective and embrace their diversity. You don’t have to agree with it, but it’s what makes this Earth and human kind beautiful.

Maybe that’s what subconsciously drew me to space. I missed my calling. I am supposed to be an astronaut.