Don’t Believe Everything You See

I have a major girl crush on Rachel Hollis. I’m sure any of you young adult female readers know who she is, and for those of you that don’t, you should. She is a motivational speaker, NY Times Best Selling Author, creator of the Start Today and RISE brands, holds major conferences every year for self development and growth, has her own podcast, and is 100% a cheerleader and keep-it-real-er for women. A few years ago, I came across her on Instagram. I actually saw post after post after post about her big book at the time, “Girl, Wash Your Face” first. I had taken up reading in high school, but slowed down when I became a new mom, taking me months to finish a book. But not this one. I finished this one in days (and honestly could of in hours, but again, new mom). After reading her book, I started following her on Instagram, and immediately fell in love with her energy and positive attitude. She is not a bullshitter, and is not afraid to call others out on their bullshit, especially the bullshit that people tell themselves to talk themselves out of something they are passionate about or excuses they make. Rachel quickly became someone that I admired and always looked forward to listening to her next podcast or reading her next book, and listening to her live stories and feed on Instagram.

Last spring, she announced that she and her husband of 16 or 17 years, Dave, were getting divorced. I was in total shock and total disbelief when I read her post and listened to her story on social media. I felt for her as if I knew her personally, and she was telling me that she and her soulmate were in fact not soulmates. I had listened to Rachel and Dave’s “Rise Together” Podcast where they talked all things relationships. At the time, I felt my relationship ending, though hadn’t admitted it to him, my family, my friends, or honestly even myself. I was still wanting to do and try anything to make my relationship work. I turned to the Rise Together podcast to see how I could show up for my partner, how to communicate better, how to work through difficult times, love languages and enneagram numbers to see where our compatibility was at. I really trusted and really valued their relationship and the advice they offered for all relationships.

And just like that, it was over. Similar to how I felt about my own relationship. But, Rachel mentioned in her post that she and her husband have been actively working on their relationship for three years because they felt the struggle and had all the challenges. At the end of the three years, trying to improve themselves as individuals and as a couple, it didn’t work, and they made the decision to separate. At first, the shock came from not understanding where it was coming from. I didn’t understand how a couple who looked so happy and fulfilled with each other could be faced with such a challenging decision. I didn’t understand how it could take 18 years to realize who you thought was your soulmate actually wasn’t the one. To start a family with someone, start a business, start a podcast, start a podcast about how to have a successful and meaningful relationship with someone… to just find out they weren’t “THE” one.

But, I did that too. Not a 18 years, but 11 is pretty close. A son. Multiple homes and really difficult experiences that we faced together and overcame. We did all that, but it still wasn’t working. It still wasn’t right. After I left, people were shocked. They had no idea what I, what we, were facing and going through as a couple and individually. But, like Rachel and Dave, people see what you want them to see. We didn’t want people to see the struggles we were going through. They were our struggles, and ours alone. I can’t imagine being the public figure that Rachel and Dave Hollis are, and having to announce or share something so life changing and traumatic with the world.

What this really made me think about was that everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about. It could be abuse. It could be mental health challenges. It could be addiction. Self-hatred. Self-identity loss. Career burnout. Infertility. Infidelity. Gender identity confusion. Gangs. Racial discrimination. Cancer and other illness. Genocide. Unemployment. Bullying. Parenting. Failed relationships. Anything. Anybody could be fighting anything. And to be honest, it’s not our business to know what those battles are. Much like the receptionist at York Harbor Motel, at the end of the day, those people facing those battles ARE HUMAN. The simplest, and often times most meaningful thing that we can do for anybody, is just be kind. People are really, really good at putting on hats and faces to match where they need to be and what they need to look like, but we can’t always believe everything we see. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, and smiles and good times. Rachel and Dave kept their struggles from the world for three years, as did I. As do most people when they are going through something incredibly difficult.

I teach and praise and shout from the rooftops how important it is to simply be kind to other people, yet it is still something I am working on myself. I like to believe that I am a kind person, but I also know I am stubborn, bitter, and am not afraid to argue with people. I get very upset with coworkers who get so angry and upset with students. They often jump immediately to punishing students for inappropriate or unsafe behavior. Don’t get me wrong, all behavior have consequences, and the reality is that students need to have consequences for their behavior, but I see so many times that we forget why our students have the behaviors they do and where it comes from. We are a teaching and therapeutic recovery program, and no one learns from being yelled at or punished. De-escalate, then teach. I have heard teachers say they are here to teach, not build relationships with our students.

NO NO NO. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Relationships are everything. We cannot forget why our students come to us – they’ve been emotionally and physically and verbally abused and neglected, sexually assaulted, left behind and abandoned, exposed to pornography, have intellectual and developmental delays. Trauma. All before they turn 22, and often times in their pre-teen or teenage years. We cannot forget that when working with our students. Showing our students just a little bit of kindness (that includes tough love!) can make a world of difference in their recovery and growth.

But, for me – I have to challenge my own belief; why are staff getting so angry at the students? Why is it so easy to take what our student say and do to us personally? Maybe my staff are facing their own battles and struggles, and today is just harder to put on that other hat and face. I know it is incredibly easy for me to be mean to or argue with those that have hurt me. But, like I’ve said over and over again, they’re still human too. Maybe they’re still facing something challenging. A battle. Those people that have burned me deserve kindness too.

(And I’m not saying kindness like giving them permission to hurt you. But kindness can be seen by giving them space, not going back and forth in an argument, setting boundaries).

The people who have hurt us are human, and are probably experiencing their own battle, and need kindness too. This is something that I want to work on as a part of my own self growth and recovery. I don’t want to excuse the behavior or give permission for some people to talk to me the way that they have, but I do have to understand with kindness that sometime’s its not about me. The way others think and feel about me is none of my business (thank you, Rachel). And I can be kind simply by not going back and forth with them. Not giving them the attention or time of day to be cruel.

The most important person I need to be kind to is myself. Forgiving myself for mistakes I’ve made or things I’ve said. Being compassionate and patient with myself through this new adventure and phase of my life. Some people are really good at pretending to be good or happy. I did a really good job for the first three or four months with really tough days sprinkled in between. Don’t believe everything you see, and just be kind because you don’t know who needs it. You might need it the most.