Struck. Crushed. Madness. Swoon. Crazy. Sick. Drunk. Ache. Burn. Falling.
Have you ever noticed that most metaphors, or adverbs and adjectives used to describe love, the process of love, or the feeling of love are incredibly violent? Or relating to illness?
Take the act of “falling in love” for example. I’ve said it. You’ve said it. At some point in our lives, we all believe that we have “fallen in love.” But what does it actually mean to fall?
A fall is accidental. Uncontrollable. It happens without your consent. It is not a step, and it is not a jump. But yet, we “fall” in love. Ouch. I wonder if subconsciously, this act of “falling” in love makes us believe that love is supposed to be painful and that suffering is normal with love. Maybe this is why so many people accept the “love” they are getting instead of striving for more.
So what actually is love? The word “love” is thrown around so much in today’s every day language. We can love a person or a place. We can love an activity or a book. We love being home alone or spending time with people. But, for all of those things, we choose to love them because of other strong, positive feelings that these things give or bring to us. To me, love is an action, and it is also a choice.
I remember being asked all the time why I love someone. And to be honest with you, sometimes it was really hard to identify why I felt love for a person even though I told them that I loved them. I couldn’t define any specific moment when I went from “liking” an individual to “loving” that individual, so that pause to think of that moment made the person I was talking to question whether or not I loved them. But that’s just it. There isn’t a defining moment or an event or a thing that you have to do to earn somebody’s love. “Love” is an action and a choice. And it is something you have to consistently choose to do every single day. It is the daily, monotonous things that matter the most and what develop true love for a person. I believe I had a hard time defining why I loved someone because I thought I had to identify that one thing or that one event that turned the corner of the relationship. But it isn’t just one thing; it’s a lot of little things.
Think of exercising and following a specific meal plan in hopes to see physical results. You could exercise for 12 hours one day and eat everything that you are supposed to. You are not going to see results after one day. It takes consistency. When you keep going and going and going, eventually you will see the results of your daily hour workout at the gym and your daily healthy eating habits. You won’t be able to identify a specific day that those results showed up. Like love. One event or one grand gesture does not result in love.
I think that is why “love” alone is not enough to sustain a marriage or any type of relationship, and that is why we accept the pain and suffering in “loving” relationships. True love that is not backed up by the right action – those monotonous behaviors – is not love. It might be passion or desire or attraction (which are monotonous behaviors that are needed for true love to be sustainable!), but it is not love. If we are not choosing to be consistent with our relationship and the people we love because our emotions and attention are divided, and we shift our focus from the person we “love” to someone or something else, the “love” (or what we thought was love”) fades. One grand gesture – a trip, a ring, a vacation – does not keep love growing. The outcome is not sustainable. Like a seed. You can plant the seed, but if it does not get enough sunlight, fertilizer, and water, it is not going to grow. If you do not take care of love and do the daily, monotonous tasks, “love” is not going to strive through challenges.
I “love” Ted Mosby. You know, the main character in “How I Met Your Mother” played by Josh Radnor. I usually agree with him and his vision of love. But, I’m questioning it now. In one of the episodes, Ted says “But love doesn’t make sense. I mean, you can’t logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But, we have to keep doing it or else we’re lost, and love is dead, and humanity should just pack it in – because love is the best thing we do.” Until recently, I believed that. I believed that you couldn’t control or choose who you love – that it just happens. But now, I don’t want that. I don’t want that uncontrollable, nonconsensual, nonsensical love. I want to create it. I do believe that love is the best thing that we do and that having love can protect us and the world from a lot of pain and suffering, but I am not interested in the nonsensical love anymore.
So, I am going to change my metaphors for love. I am changing the idea that with great love comes pain and suffering. I believe that we are allowed to demand more from love. Love is such a wonderful experience, whether you are talking about the act of love or the choice to do love. I don’t want to fall in love. I do not want it to happen without my consent. I want to create it. I want to chose it over and over again. I want love to be logical and monotonous. Yes, love is still going to be hard. There are still going to be painful moments in love, but it shouldn’t be hard, and I do believe that there is a difference between painful and hard. We have to remind ourselves what we want to make together when we are experiencing love with someone.
It really can be much simpler than all the sickly, violent metaphors for love. I find myself loving someone simply for spending quality time with me, – that is my love language after all – and not having to compete with other people, or work, or a cell phone, or the television. We don’t have to be doing anything special or grand at all. Simply being together, and fully present together, is how I find myself creating love for someone. Sharing stories and the sound of laughter, being ok with doing absolutely nothing day after day is how love is created for me. The consistency, even when things are hard and you don’t feel like doing it, is when love stays present for me. I no longer choose to be struck by or crazy in or drunk in or madly in love. I do not want to fall in love. I am going to be it. I am going to be love and choose it and do it every single day.
“In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we’ve got – because love is the best thing we do.”
Katie Kelly's Korner 