30 for 30, Part 1

The big 3-0. I reached 30 last weekend. I was pretty anxious and slightly unamused at the thought of reaching this next milestone. But as it came and went, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I don’t know if it was because it was quite literally a month worth of celebrating thanks to my sisters and my parents, or if it was because age is just a number, or if it is because I am totally ready to put the bullshit of my 29th year behind me, or if it is because I’ve just grown as a person. I think it’s a mixture of all of the above, and today, I can say that I am pleased and thankful that I just get to see another year. I am healthy, I am grateful, I have an amazing son and hype squad, and I am really taking care of myself.

To celebrate turning 30, I thought I’d come up with 30 different things I’ve learned in my 30th year of living.

1. Don’t break promises to yourself. This is something I am still working on, but I think it has a very important meaning. We don’t like it when people break promises they’ve made to us, and we don’t feel good about breaking promises to other people, so why is it ok to over and over again break promises to ourselves? I’m here to tell you, it’s not ok. We are the only person that we spend every single day with. We set so many amazing intentions for our lives, but find it so easy to push those goals and dreams aside for other people and make excuses for why they “can’t” or “won’t” happen. We need to stop doing this. If you are doing this now, STOP IT. Get up and exercise. Drink more water. Travel. Save money. Quit the job. Stop breaking promises to yourself. Read, write, try new things. Keeping promises to yourself help you feel strong and confident. It makes you happier. If you are filling up your tank, you’ll have more to give to others. You’re not gonna fill your tank if you continuously break promises to yourself.
2. Boundaries in relationships are an essential part of self care. Without boundaries, we are easily taken advantage of, which then leads to anger, resentment, pain, and burnout. Boundaries are important in all the different relationships we have with people – physical, emotional, sexual, professional, relational, personal, financial. Someone can cross any one of these boundaries at any given time, and we have to be ok with saying “NO” or “STOP,” or “I am not ok with this,” and set that boundary so that it does not get crossed again. Setting these boundaries early in relationships, followed by your consistency at setting them, will create healthy, meaningful relationships with others. You do not owe anyone any of your free time. Or anything for that matter.
3. Therapy is beneficial for everyone. I started therapy back in October not really knowing what to expect or what I hoped to get out of it. I am not a licensed therapist, but I was enrolled in a lot of the same courses in my graduate study as I pursed my school counseling degree that the mental health clinicians were taking. I do a lot of counseling at my job, so I thought that therapy really wouldn’t benefit me – I could just help myself. But, that’s not how it works. It is incredibly helpful to have a person on the outside challenge your thinking and validate your feelings. Therapists are people who are not always on your side and not biased, which we need in order to grow. I often go into therapy not knowing what I am going to talk about, but an hour always flies by. And, honestly, a lot of what we have talked about are things that I counsel my students on daily, but hadn’t/haven’t applied to my own life. It’s a good reminder that I, too, am human, and have feelings, and struggle with the things. It reminds me that I am constantly growing, and we all need a little kick in the butt to grow!
4. Be compassionate with yourself. We are so good at being gentle, kind, and understanding for other people but struggle with doing that for ourselves. We expect the house to be spotless all the time, AND bathe all our children, AND have them have organic healthy meals, AND be in the best shape of our lives, AND get 8 hours of sleep, AND have all the laundry always caught up, AND work a full time job, AND be perfect. We are not perfect, and we are going to be tired and we are going to fuck up and make mistakes – we are human. We are allowed to do those things. We are allowed to rest. If you are doing your best, you’ve already won. There is potential and growth in making mistakes, so be compassionate with yourself through those mistakes, and learn from them.
5. Simple things are big things. At my maternal grandfather’s burial this spring, the priest described my grandfather as a simple man, as he found the most wholesome, genuine joy from the simple things – walking the dog, scratch tickets, reading the newspaper, dancing in the backyard, fires, being outside, seeing his children and grandchildren happy. Often times, people think we need the big trips and big houses to make us feel most fulfilled. But, the priest was right – my grandfather was a pretty happy man, and never needed the materialistic, “BIG” things to be happy. Big things bring an immediate gratification, but that feeling doesn’t last long; searching for happiness in the big things always leads to looking for the next big thing. When we find joy in the simple things, they start to become who we are and make us happy on a daily basis. I took a vacation in May, and stayed home with Oriyus. We made some day trips to the zoo, mini golf, out for ice cream, movies. You know, simple things that we didn’t need vacation time to do. At the end of the vacation, Oriyus and I were laying in bed, and he said he had “so much fun” while we were on vacation, and thanked me. I could sit outside in sweats, drinking white claws, playing ASSHOLE, eating cheese and crackers, and being with people I love and feel just as happy as I would drinking fancy, expensive wine in some exotic place. I too enjoy the simple things just as much as I do the “big” things. They’re more important than the big stuff. Spend more time doing the simple things.
6. Love is intentional and a choice. You do love just as much as you feel it. You can’t love someone by giving them your love language. You have to love someone in the way that they need to be loved. It is so, so important for you to know what your partner’s love language is, and then choose to do it, every single day in order for a relationship to sustain through the challenges. It has to be monotonous for it to last.
7. We are what we do every day. I am a creature of habit. There is not a lot that is spontaneous about me, so I rely on other people to be spontaneous and include me in their spontaneity. I plan, make to do-lists, organize my grocery list by how the aisles are set in the store (thanks mom), color coordinate everything, and follow a schedule. Since becoming a mom, I took a lot of ownership in my morning routine, and am always working on improving it. I get up, go pee, brush my teeth, drink 8oz of water followed by my pre-workout while packing food for Oriyus and I, journal, record my gratitude for the day, leave my morning poop, work out, shower, wake up Oriyus, finish getting ready, make sure Oriyus is ready, and out the door we go. Honestly, like clockwork. It sets my mood for the day, and it helps me feel in control. When I do my morning routine, I feel more patient and kind. I mom better, and I perform better at work. If for some reason any of that doesn’t happen, I feel it and notice the difference. This also goes for relationships. We are who we surround ourselves with. You don’t like who you are? Look at what you’re doing daily and the 5 people you spend the most time with. You’ll see yourself in those habits and those people.
8. Break the rules. Oh! One of my favorites. I couldn’t tell you what my therapist and I were talking about, but I do know that we were talking about my rigidity. (Yes – with being organized and following a schedule, comes being rigid in behavior and expectations. This is something that I’m working on with her because being left-side brain dominant has its benefits, but it also has its challenges). She shared with me an article she read about a woman who didn’t use the dishwasher because she didn’t trust it to clean the dishes (ME!!!!) and said that the dishes came out dirty so she’d just end up having to hand wash them anyways. The therapist that the woman in the article was working with said, “So? Run it twice.” LIGHT. BLUB. There’s no rules to how many times you have to run the dishwasher; you can run it more than once. I so needed to hear that that day. I think as women, and maybe more specifically, moms, we set so many unrealistic and unreasonable rules for ourselves that are just nonsense. Like, clean and cook and shower etc. while the baby sleeps. Uhm… no. SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS! The mess in the house can wait. You won’t catch me using a dishwasher – I still prefer to hand wash my dishes – but you will see me taking a break. You will see me resting. You will see me breaking the rules. And that is ok. That doesn’t make us bad people. Break them, especially the stupid rules we make for ourselves.
9. Being alone is not scary. This last year is the longest I have gone being single since the 8th grade. I always had someone, so I never really knew what it was like to be alone. Part of my identity through high school, college, and my 20’s was being so-and-so’s girlfriend. I never lived alone either – always with the father of my son or my parents. So it was really new and really scary to be alone once I got my own place and didn’t have nights with Oriyus. That means I had to get to know myself. Come to find out, I kinda really love who I am! Don’t get me wrong – I fucking miss Oriyus like crazy when he’s not with me. The blessing in being single and having to co-parent at the same time right now is that I really am able to spend some time focusing on myself. And falling in love with myself! Reflecting on the last four to seven years, I probably stayed in a relationship that I shouldn’t have for far too long because I was afraid of being alone, because I didn’t know what to do. The relationship was familiar, and familiar is safe. But being forced to be alone really made me learn a lot about me. I didn’t isolate, and it wasn’t scary. It is very nourishing and refreshing to spend some time alone. I truly believe me being alone now will help me be a better partner if and when the time comes.
10. Feelings let you know how alive you are. Some feelings are incredibly uncomfortable and incredibly hard to manage. No one wants to feel angry, or sad, or worried, or stressed, or anxious. But, they all are inevitable feelings. I am a very, very emotional person, and I feel all things pretty intensely. It is a turnoff for some people, but honestly, I’d rather feel all the things intensely than to not feel them at all. Pushing down or blocking out feelings results in some form of blow up whether it’s anger or isolation or drinking way too much. In order to move past the feelings we are having, we have to move through them. We have to feel them. Ignoring our feelings might make it go away temporarily, but the root (the feeling) is always going to be there until you address it and accept it. Feelings are amazing reminders that we are alive, and we have the power and the strength to overcome any uncomfortable feeling that we are challenged with.

As I was drafting this, I realized I had more to say about each of these things instead of just the 30 lessons or messages I wanted to share. I probably could write an entire post on each of these lessons! So, process and think about these 10 for now. Stay tuned for Part 2 and Part 3.