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I watched a video on Instagram a few days ago, and I cannot stop thinking about it. It was a couple of guys who were standing outside what looked like a college campus, with a sign that said they would pay people $5 to call and tell someone they love them. Easy, quick way to make $5 right?

Now, I have taken my fair share of positive psychology courses to know the outcome of the video. Spoiler alert: no one took the $5. What they experienced was that the intrinsic feeling they got from talking to the person they loved and hearing their voice made them happier than $5 would have. It also has more positive long term effects than $5 would have. Saw that one coming.

That is not what surprised me though. One of the individuals who placed a call to what sounded mom or grandmother, and her response is what got me. “Hi, I just called to say I love you.” The woman on the other end of the phone immediately panicked. “What is wrong? Is everything ok?” She was shocked, and repeatedly asked those two questions, no matter how many times the guy said “No really. I am just calling to say ‘I love you.'” It kind of broke my heart. Not because of her, but because she probably wasn’t the only one that had that same response.

Why are we as people trained to think that there is something wrong if you call someone, just to tell them you love them? Why can’t we call someone to tell them we love them simply to tell them? Why does there have to be a reason to do something kind for someone else? Why can’t things just be? Why do we need a reason to do anything? Oh that’s an easy one too – because we don’t do it enough, so people get surprised or believe there is an alternative motive behind the gesture. We wait until something tragic happens for us to realize we need to do better about telling people how we feel. To tell them that we love them. We make promises that we are going to do better… and then we don’t. I know I am guilty of this.

Chances are, the first thing that you hear when you are born is, “Hi [Oriyus]. I am your mom, and I love you.” We toss the word “love” around all the time, and attach it to many different materialistic items. But we struggle saying it to PEOPLE that we love. Maybe it is because we do not fully understand what love is or we are afraid of being rejected. However, I don’t think we should ever apologize for doing our best to love someone. It is very vulnerable to love and be loved. I don’t think that should scare us from saying it more often.

You don’t need a reason to pick up the phone and call someone to tell them you love them. Some things can just “be.” This.. this is one of those things. If you are reading this, I love you.

One perk of being a mom is being able to watch animated, family/children’s movies. Being able to re-watch all of my favorite Disney movies with Oriyus is one of our favorite things to do. If I’m being honest, I’ve always loved my animated movies, but it is way more enjoyable now that I have a little to watch them with. As I’ve gotten older and wiser, I’ve caught jokes or morals that I wouldn’t have as a child, so I appreciate the movies more. Directors and movie producers have created some new, beautiful stories since I was a child, with one of my favorites being “Vivo.”

“Vivo” is a Netflix original film that came out this past summer. It is one of mine and Oriyus’ favorite movies to watch together, and it is easily top 2 soundtracks that we duet together in the car. It is about a kinkajou monkey from Cuba who befriends a young girl, and they embark on a journey from Cuba to Miami, Florida to deliver a song to the love of Vivo’s (the kinkajou) late friend, Andres. The movie is sad, and funny, and beautiful. It made me cry, it made me laugh, it made me hold on tight to the people I love, and it made me keep the beat.

As you can imagine, it is probably very hard for a monkey and a young girl to travel across the Atlantic ocean together, but, they do it and successfully deliver the song. (Anything can happen in a kids movie, right?) And, of course, it is not an easy trip. But, they have their music to help them, to guide them, and connect them. As I’ve mentioned in many of my other blog posts, music has really been a support for me over the last year, so I connected heavily to the power of the music in the film, similarly to Vivo and Gabi. Three songs really stand out for me, and as cheesey as it is coming from a children’s movie, they’ve been added to my list of strength and healing and power songs.

The first being “One More Song.”

“You spent your life making music. I thought the songs would never end. Now, it’s so quiet. All I wanna do is play again with you, my friend. You fell asleep humming music. The sun came up; you stayed at rest. Now, here I am. All I have left is one request – one more song. Just one more. Give us an encore. Don’t go away. We still have music to play. Hey! I said, one more song. Just one more. All that I long for; give me a sign, it’s not too late. It’s not too late.”

A life long friend of mine lost a battle to a heart condition he had since he was born just over 5 years ago. After high school, I did not do an excellent job keeping in touch with him, but he was always very special to me. We chatted, went to New Years Eves bonfires at another friends house, and often went for lunch dates to a local hometown restaurant when we were both in town. If anyone knew James, they would have been friends with him. He had something so real and genuine about him, and not to mention, he was funny AF. He lived to make other people laugh, and he was a natural at it. He had been out in Chicago, making more people laugh with his comedy and improv, and making a living out of it. James had come home in the fall of 2016 for another heart surgery, made it home, posted a Happy Halloween image of him and his scars post-surgery, and later that night, October 28th, passed because of complications after the surgery.

To this day, it is heavy on my heart and a regret that I will always live with, that I did not go to his services. At the time, the relationship with my ex was rocky, and I felt I had to stay and make amends to prove that I loved him and wanted to be with him, instead of being with James and get closure on his passing. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for not being there for him and the rest of the people he loved and that loved him.

Last year, shortly after having split with the father of my son, I was living in my hometown again, and as October approached, I made it a point to find and visit his gravesite. And, I did. After visiting his graveside with a friend, I returned by my self, and sat with him, apologized for not having kept in touch as well as he deserved the last couple of years, and apologized for not being a part of his send off. I added to his rock collection. I thought of the time at a semi formal when he was wearing a pair of khaki pants that were way too large for him, with jeans underneath, so I took them and put them over my dress to be funny. I thought of the time that he and I were hiking Rattlesnake Mountain with two other friends, and we got lost by taking a wrong path. I remember accidentally twinning at lunch the day before we headed off to our freshman years of college. I remembered the time he declared himself Harry Potter, and me Hedwig. I remembered his goofy smile and contagious laugh. And, I told him I loved him, because I do.

And then months down the road, Oriyus and I watched “Vivo.” When the kinkajou sang “One More Song,” I instantly thought he was singing about James and his comedy. Not one more song, but one more act. Not music, but improv. Not play, but laugh. Not humming music, but making jokes. I wish I had one more laugh with him. James lives on through his humor and the light that he brought to other people. That he brought to me. Any time I hear “One More Song,” James will be who comes to my mind.

“You spent your life performing improv. I thought the acts would never end. Now, it’s so quiet. All I wanna do is laugh again with you, my friend. You fell asleep creating jokes. The sun came up; you stayed at rest. Now, here I am. All I have left is one request – one more act. Just one more. Give us an encore. Don’t go away. We still have jokes to laugh. Hey! I said, one more act. Just one more. All that I long for; give me a sign, it’s not too late. It’s not too late.”

The second song is a funny, loud energy song – “My Own Drum.”

“I bounce to the beat of my own drum. I’m a ‘wow’ in a world full of ho-hum. I’m a wild young lady, but you know sum’? I’d rather be at home with my own drum.”

I spent a majority of the last few years not really knowing who I was as an individual. Huge parts of my identity were always connections to what hat I needed to wear to fit-in with my ex. I have had the opportunity over the last 1+ years to really discover who I am, and dump the parts of me I didn’t like or that just weren’t me. It is easily the best thing that could have come out of being single. Even though I am still discovering and creating who “Katie Kelly” is, I am enjoying the process.

I have always been an introverted extrovert. Meaning, I enjoy going out and doing social things with others, and I am so much of a homebody. When people say, “just show the real you,” I do if I’m quiet, and I do if I am loud and sassy. Those are both equally important parts of who I am, and I like both of those. I see myself as goofy AF, and definitely know when to shut it down and be serious. I get up stupid early, and I sleep best when its 20* outside. I’d much rather dress down than dress up, and I swear in every day language. I watch Disney movies, and I watch Squid Games. There isn’t a genre of music I do not enjoy, and I’d rather be at the mountains than the beach. I think part of why people hide parts of who they are is because they’ve been rejected by others in the past. Humans thrive off of and crave human connection, so when parts of ourselves are rejected by others, we hide them for other people so those people don’t leave. It took me a long, long time, to meet myself and be familiar with who I am. Heck, I’m still meeting pieces of her! And once I have met “Katie Kelly,” I promise her to not hide those pieces. I bounce to the beat of my own drum, and if you don’t like my rhythm, that is ok! And, keep moving.

Finally, “Keep the Beat,” might be my second all time favorite song. Partly because the duet Oriyus and I sing is so beautiful. He sings with so much passion and energy, and is, of course, the star of the performance. He gets to be Vivo, and I get to sing Gabi’s part. For those of you that don’t know the song, here are those lyrics.

“The plan was get to a bus. Next thing you know, the two of us, are floating, drifting, somewhere new. She said we’d take a short cut. I’m trying to be a good sport, but I don’t see how we’ll make it through. Remember the size of the world before it was you and I, just you and I. Now the horizon holds so much more. And, it’s do or die – it’s do or die. All I can do when the road bends, is lean in to the curve. And, all I can do when the tanks run dry, is see what’s in reserve. And, all I can do when the plans break down, is stay on my feet. And, all I can do at the end of the day, is play on, play on, and keep the beat.”

But seriously, is this not Oriyus and I?! It being just the two of us, having this vision and plan of how life was going to turn out, only to have it not be that way? Is this song not an amazing reminder to grow through what you go through? I know I just got done elaborating on 30 different things that I have learned over the last year. Of all those lessons, the most important one is that the only way out, is through. As I am going through my journey of healing and reclaiming my strength and identity, this song was and is a powerful, validating reminder to control what I can control, and that’s it. Things don’t always work out the way we expect them to, and that is ok. You are never going to get out of the storm if you don’t go through it. Jump when you need to jump. Cry when you need to cry. Stop and rest when you need to stop and rest. Lean in to the curve when the road bends. Keep the beat. Keep fucking going.

All and all, I’m not sure if the moral of Vivo was what I took away from it, but there are important messages in the movie. Even for 100 year old children like me. Don’t be in my position where you have to wish for “One More Song.” Lives can change and be taken from us without any warning; living with regret, sucks. I hope James knows that I love him and how often he is on my mind. I wish I had that one last act. And, to not stop. To “Keep the Beat” and to always keep moving forward to the beat of your own drum. Who you are is beautiful. I needed a kinkajou and a 10 year old, spunky, animated girl to remind me of that! Here’s your reminder.

I’m sorry it took so long for me to write part three of all the lessons I’ve learned in my 30th year. I’ve been feeling quite anxious and not quite myself since turning 30 (in no relation to my age), so things like writing have taken a back burner so that I can focus my rest and my healing. I am not looking for pity or attention from anyone – just being honest with myself about where I have been at mentally. And, writing has been a huge outlet for me, so I’m stopping the excuses and using this to help me refocus.

#21. “Thank God for all I missed, ’cause it led me here to this.” Thank you, Darius Rucker. I had the pleasure of seeing him live for my birthday this year, also just after going through all the emotions of having split from my ex a year ago. One of my most favorite songs by him, “THIS,” now has a new, special meaning. I could not have been the girl I am today, if I was not who I was a month ago, six months ago, a year ago, 8 years ago. I had to go through what I did in order to be where I am today. I had to make the tough decision to leave. I had to start over. I had to start therapy. I had to be a single mom and co-parent. I had to fall on my face to get back up. I had to have my heart broken, more than once. I had to miss all the opportunities I did miss and thought I was going to have. I had to grieve a life that I imagined having, that I no longer am going to have. I had to feel everything that I felt, and I had to acknowledge those feelings. All of that led me to be the woman I am today, and the woman I am becoming. All of this is going to be better than what I thought was.

#22. Things are happening for me, not to me. When we are faced with a tragedy or something challenging, often our first question is “Why is this happening to me!?” Yes, it is true that we don’t want “bad” things to happen to us, and it is true that we don’t always get to pick and choose what happens in our lives. No one wants to have a family member pass away. No one wants to lose touch with friends. No one wants to experience the guilt and trauma and self-doubt of going through a divorce. And, sometimes those things are out of our control, and those things happen. How can those things be for you? I’ve experienced all those things in the last year, and I’ve decided to try to find a way to get something out of it – have these things happen for me, not to me. I love harder, and I have boundaries with people. I make my self-care a priority, and I break the rules. I acknowledge my grief and other hard feelings, and I am compassionate with myself. I’m not hard on myself, and I am a damn good mom. I was able to make what was happening to me, for me. If I had to experience all those things, I sure as hell was gonna get something out of it.

#23. Things don’t get easier; you get stronger. I heard this saying a lot in different at home workout programs I was doing in relation to weight and cardio training. Through out the programs, the trainers repeatedly shout that each rep or each second doesn’t get easier, but it’s in fact you getting stronger. The exercise and the routine is the same from day to day and week to week. You get stronger. I didn’t hear them right away, but they were talking more about mental health than they were physical strength. Remember, “You can or you can’t. Both are true” ? Our heads and our mindset is what keep us from doing a majority of what we want to do, weight lifting and cardio training included. Our bodies are capable of so much if we can get out of our own head. Once our mental health and the control of our thoughts is ours instead of being victim to it, we get stronger. The exercise is still challenging, but we get stronger. This can be applied to all domains of our lives. I adopted this mindset on nights that I am alone. It was really, really hard to be alone at first. And, it still is hard, but I got stronger. I got stronger mentally, and I made it a point to do things to keep me strong on those hard nights. Things won’t ever necessarily get easier, but you will get stronger.

#24. The future is scary, but you can’t run back to the past just because it is familiar. I believe that sometimes we stay in situations too long because it is familiar. A relationship. A job. A home. A thought process. A behavior. Change is hard, and growth is not a linear process, so when we make a change and get scared because it is uncomfortable or not what we expected, sometimes we resort back to what we were doing in the past. We return to who or what or where was familiar. Growth doesn’t happen there. Growth happens where you are challenged. We can’t do the same things over and over again, and expect different results (insanity). Familiarity isn’t always safe. It took me a long time to realize that. And when I decided to finally make a change, there were still moments that I thought I was making a mistake and thought I should return to what was familiar. At times I did, expecting things to be different. They weren’t different. At some point of our lives, we do change, and something is new to us, until it isn’t anymore. That relationship was new, and that job was new. Eventually, the scariness of the newness will ware off and will no longer be “new.” Challenge yourself to make the change so that you can grow instead of being stuck in comfort.

#25. You can’t stop thinking thoughts. I used to hate the question, “What are you thinking about?” I often would respond “nothing,” but that was a lie. We are never not thinking about something. I guess a more appropriate response to that question would be “Nothing of ‘importance,'” or “Nothing ‘worth’ sharing,” or “Nothing I want to share with you” instead of just nothing. I don’t know about you, but my mind goes a million miles a minute all the time, and I do my best thinking in the shower. I am constantly thinking of something (as you all are), and sometimes – at the worst times – these thoughts are SO loud. Usually when I am trying to sleep. Not only are they loud, but they are thoughts I don’t want to be having. Ones that I wish I could just push away. Which, in turn, makes me think about them even more, and now I am up all night. I regularly share with my therapist thoughts that I am having. She reminds me all the time, that that is all they are… thoughts. She reminds me that we don’t have to believe every thought that comes across our minds. We are separate from the thoughts we think. As powerful as our thoughts are, that is simply all they are – thoughts. We have the ability to change our thoughts at any given moment if we want to; we can choose what to think about. We have an infinite number of thoughts a day, and an infinite number of things we can think about, so we can change them. She, also, reminded me to first, notice the thoughts as they come. In order for us to think of something else, we need to be aware of them passing through our minds. Just as we do with feelings and needing to feel what we are feeling. We need to notice the thoughts as they come. If we are aware of our thoughts, we can then step outside of those thoughts and identify them just as they are instead of allowing them to define who we are because of them. Thoughts are going to happen, and we can control them and their power.

#26. There is nothing wrong with asking for what you need. And, it is ok to have a problem with it when you aren’t getting it. I love food. Anyone who knows me knows that I love food. They also know that I get very hangry when I haven’t eaten. I have a problem when I do not have food when I need it. Same with water, to drink or shower with. Same with clothes because I didn’t do the laundry. Why should our needs in any area of our lives outside of basic necessities be any different? I need communication, respect, friendship, and trust in a relationship. If I don’t have that, I don’t want it. I need support, teamwork, money, and time off from a career. If I don’t have that, I won’t work with you. I need space, a book, my writing, some blankets, physical activity, and mindfulness to have a well cared for mental health. If I don’t have those things, I am not myself. Asking for those things, doesn’t make me a bitch or controlling, no matter how many times I get told that. We all have needs, and it is ok to ask for them.

#27. Busy is a fucking cop out. Everyone is busy. People have a job, more than one job, a family, laundry to do, dinner to cook, the gym to get to, hobbies to participate in, therapy, child’s practices and games to get to and watch. Scrolling Instagram or Facebook. Posting on SnapChat. Binging Netflix. We have time for all these things because we make time for them. We make them a priority. I have heard too many times from people I thought loved or cared about me that they’ve “been busy” so they couldn’t call or text or spend some time with me. It infuriates me. Maybe I need to have more empathy and understanding with others when they say “I am busy,” because I too am “busy.” I’ve still made time for the things I’ve identified as important. I’ve decided to no longer make that as an excuse to not make time for someone or something I care about. I/we have time for a million other things; we need to start making what is a priority, a priority, and being honest with ourselves and other people why they haven’t made the cut.

#28. “Our house is a home because we love each other in it.” I stole this quote from the Netflix Series, “MAID.” I eventually will be doing a review of the show in one of my upcoming posts, but for now, I am taking this quote to really highlight how important this is for me at this part of my life.) By now, in my child imaginary dream world, I would be married to the love of my life, have two children, live in a big, beautiful home, vacation at all of my favorite places in and out of the state and country, living the “American Dream.” As you all know, that hand has not been dealt for me like I thought. Instead, I am renting a small, two bedroom apartment in Concord, NH. For me and my son. And it is the most beautiful, comforting, loving home. It is exactly what I would have imagined for Oriyus and I. It is a home because we love each other in it. Its not full of “stuff” or things. Not big, expensive things anyways. It is full of the simple things that I have come to genuinely appreciate in the last year. I now have hanging in my living room, a sign that says “Love grows best in little houses with fewer walls to separate, where you eat and sleep so close together, you can’t help but communicate. If we had more room between us, think of all we’d miss. Love grows best in little houses just like this.” Just last night, laying in bed, Oriyus and I were talking about the favorite parts of our day as we do every night, and he told me, “The best part of my day was loving you, mumma.” I love coming home at the end of the day to be with Oriyus to just love on each other. Our first little home together in Concord will always be one of my favorite places. Love is growing in it every day.

#29. Hype squads are for real. Friends and family are so important, and I am incredibly thankful for all of the people I have had and still have today. My friends and family have always been there to tell me what I want to hear and have provided me comfort with things I have struggled with. I truly appreciate the ones that also tell me what I need to hear, regardless of how brutal it might be. Friends and family see the beauty in you that you at times struggle to see, and don’t see yet. They motivate and encourage you to be the best versions of yourself. They root for you, no matter how low you are and are feeling. This last year, I’ve really looked at the friends and family that I have, and made it intentional to lean into those people that hype me up. Old and new friends. Family that I see and family that live further away that I don’t see. Coworkers. Even strangers I met through Instagram. I have saved all my text messages, IG and FB messages that I’ve received from people, reaching out about my blog posts; those things keep me goin. That’s my hype. I see you, and I am rooting for you, too. I can be and will be your hype. Love has hurt me in so many ways this last year, and it has been what has kept me going in my healing thanks to my hype squad. The cure for burnout is not self-care. It is all of us caring about each other. We can’t do it alone. We need each other. Thank you, readers, for being part of my hype squad!

#30. Life is short, and time goes fast. Don’t waste it. As a child, you never really see or feel how quickly time goes. But fuck, watching Oriyus grow up has just really opened my eyes to how quickly time goes. It disappears. This last year of grief and healing has just disappeared. This calendar year and school year.. gone. It is really hard to believe that I need to be thinking about what Santa is going to be bringing Oriyus for Christmas this year, when I swear he just opened gifts a week ago. I think people have an easier time with how short life is and how quickly it passes us when we don’t sleep through it. When we are doing the things that bring us joy, with people we love us, that short, fast time we have, time is not wasted. We have one body, and we have one life. So cliché, but so important and so real. You can’t get any of it back or redo it, so spend it doing the things you want. The simple and the extreme.

My 30th year is full of a lot of hurtful, difficult memories with a lot of tears and pain. It has, also, been full of beautiful memories with a lot of laugh and love. Most of those memories have come from the painful ones through healing. I have turned those difficult memories into things that I can take from it, so that those memories happened for me. Obviously, this last year has taught me a lot, and I’m still growing through this period of my life. I wouldn’t say that I am healed, but I have grown and gotten stronger. I am liking who I am becoming.

Let’s get right to it.

11. The power of AND. Changing my language from using “but/or” to “and” over this last year has really shifted my focus and my way of thinking. “But” suggests that things are either or, where “and” suggests that you can have two truths. And, (see what I did there), I see the positive power that “and” represents. We can love someone AND not be with them. We can strive to grow and heal, AND accept ourselves where we are. I am resilient AND I need a break. I gave it my all AND need to walk away. I was sure AND things have changed. I am kind, AND have boundaries. Others have it worse than I do, AND my pain is valid. I did my best, AND now I know more. Things don’t always have to be a pick one; you can have two truths. “And” is refreshing, and enlightening, and powerful, and understanding. I have worked really hard at changing my language, and I have noticed a difference in my outlook on everything.

12. People’s opinions of you are none of your business. Thanks, Rachel Hollis. Let’s say it again – people’s opinions of you, how they feel about you, and what they think about you, are none of your business. This was a really difficult concept for my to accept in my own life, and if I’m being honest, it still is hard for me. Growing up, I constantly cared what people thought about me; I wanted them to like me and took it incredibly personally when they didn’t. People are going to love you, and people are going to hate you. AND (two truths) none of it will have anything to do with you. That is ok. The most important relationship you have is with yourself, so as long as YOU like you, then you have the most important approval already.

13. It’s easier to raise a strong human than it does to heal a broken one. I’ve been really into podcasts lately, and have been drawn to “Raising Good Humans” by Dr. Aliza Pressman who is a developmental psychologist and a parent educator. As a parent myself, I of course want Oriyus to maximize his potential and have him be the most successful man possible as he get’s older. Maybe it’s the way I was raised, maybe it’s the education and training I received being in mental health and education, maybe it’s just my own values, but if Oriyus is nothing but a good, kind human, I will truly be able to say and believe that I did something right. I am a humble person, so me saying that I believe I am a damn good mom takes a lot for me to say – I don’t brag about myself often, but always will with Oriyus. Ever since Oriyus could talk, every night before we go to bed, I make him say positive affirmations. It started with just 2 or 3, but now we are up to 13. (I can’t take the credit for all the affirmations; his dad has adopted this too and has added some awesome ones as they see fit!) “I am kind. I am smart. I am important. I am brave. I am strong. I am fast. I am funny. I love my mom and dad. I am powerful. I am worthy. I am cool. I am courageous. I am confident.” And, he is definitely all of those things, and he is at the age where he is able to believe it and act on those affirmations.

We, also, talk about and share with each other the best part of our days, and I give Oriyus an opportunity for him to tell me if there is anything that I need to apologize to him for. I model taking responsibility for my behavior, which is a huge part of being a good human. It is very, very easy to blame other people for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, when we actually are the only ones that can control that. It takes a strong individual to be able to take and accept responsibility for their actions.

He and I spend a lot of time problem solving around unwanted feelings or events that happen. I make sure that I validate his feelings, but help him correct his response to things he isn’t a fan of. It is probably the school counselor in me, and I owe a lot of my parenting techniques to things I’ve learned in my career, but Oriyus and I do a lot of social-emotional learning and self-regulation. I am a firm believer in teaching these things to Oriyus now, so that when he is faced with something much larger and possibly traumatic, he has the skills to adapt and respond safely and appropriately. Oriyus will be a strong human; he already is.

#14. “If you always tell the truth, you’ll never have to remember what you said.” I wish I remember where I heard this because it is so, so true and so, so powerful. It makes me wonder why people aren’t truthful with things, and I don’t think that there is one reason for it. I believe people don’t tell the truth all the time for lots of reasons – they don’t want to admit that they messed up or made a mistake, they don’t want to hurt someone else, they know what they’re doing or did or said was wrong, they want to blame another person, they don’t want to accept responsibility for their behavior, they’re embarrassed or ashamed.. lots of reasons. None of which are good reasons to not tell the truth. Even trying to protect someone isn’t a good reason to lie. We all do it, myself included. I’ve lied about small things and big, big things, and I have lied for all of those reasons mentioned above. In the end, not being truthful has always made situations worse and problems bigger. And it’s true; if you’re being honest and truthful, you won’t have to remember what you said because it wasn’t fabricated; it is what happened and what you felt and what you did and what you think of something. It’s the truth. We don’t have to remember the truth because the truth just is.

#15. “Blood makes you related. Loyalty makes you family.” I honestly have always felt this way, but it has become more and more apparent to me in the last few months. Growing up, I always identified my friends and basketball team and college roommates and coworkers to be family in addition to the family I was given through blood. My relatives and I have been faced with some pretty challenging experiences over the last couple of years, and more specifically this last year. There have only been two ways to overcome these challenges – together with loyalty, or apart. Unfortunately, some of those people that I had identified as family over the years because of our shared blood have showed me that we are simply just related. It is really, really easy to stick around during “easy” times. People show their loyalty through the challenges and difficult moments. Their loyalty during these challenges disappeared, supporting that at the end of the day, we are only related. I don’t like it, and I am ok with it. I do have a lot of amazing, loyal people in my life that I consider to be my family, so I don’t need relatives that don’t want to be there – and yet still identify themselves as family – if they are not going to be loyal.

#16. Grief isn’t just for death. Hot topic here! And, a main focus of my biweekly therapy sessions. We talk a lot about grief – what it is, how it affects us, how it doesn’t ever really go away, how we deal with it, and that it isn’t just for death. Prior to this year, I had only had two important people in my life pass away – my grandmother and a friend I had had since preschool. I have been to my fair share of funerals and wakes and services, but they were the only two that I really grieved. And then 2020/2021 hit, and I separated from a long term relationship with the father of my son, and my grandfathers passed away within 5 days of each other. I spent a majority of the last year grieving those things. Eventually the weight of those things gets less heavy, and the grief is still there. That was expected. However, what I didn’t realize was that I was also grieving the fantasy and visions I had for the future for myself, my son, and his father – the places we would go, the memories we would make, the family we wanted. That piece is still really, really hard for me. I have accepted and am ok with and happy with our co-parenting situation, but all the could of and should of and plans I had and are no longer there, hurt. It is something I am still working on, and the heaviness of that grief comes and goes. The first Christmas and the first Mother’s Days, and all of the other firsts were really fucking crappy. Each year will get easier and easier, but those days will also be reminders of the vision I had that is no longer there. Instead of beating myself up over still grieving that loss, I am accepting myself where I am in the process, and not giving myself a timeline for when I should be “over it.” Grief isn’t something you just get over.

#17. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated. I was raised to treat others the way I wanted to be treated – kind, respectful, polite, etc etc. I do believe that mindset is important, but I think it also made me take things personally when people still didn’t like me. As I mentioned earlier, what others think about us is none of our business. What you think of you, is your business. You cannot control others behaviors or actions. You are responsible for you, and you only. We should treat ourselves the way we want to be treated. We want others to be kind to us? Then be flippin’ kind to yourself! Talk positively to yourself. Put good things into your body. Get sleep. Do what makes YOU happy. Take care of yourself. People are drawn to how we treat ourselves. So you want others to be good to you? Then YOU be good to you.

#18. You can or you can’t. You’re right either way. This is another one about mindset. Truth is, the hopeful expression that “you can do anything you set your mind to” actually holds a lot of truth in it. If you want something bad enough, you will do whatever it takes to get it. If you put up barriers and tell you self you can’t, you’re right – you can’t. I played varsity sports all throughout high school, and could not do a push up. I honestly never thought I was going to be able to do a push up so I really didn’t even try. In soccer and basketball practices when we were asked to do push ups, I always cheated myself out of them or modified them to my knees. But guess what? I CAN do a push up. I always could. Once I started telling myself that I could do it, I did it. I know that is a simple example, but that goes for anything. You CAN.

#19. Music is healing. Another thing that I’ve always believed to be true. (Funny enough, I was flipping through my high school senior year book earlier this week, and noticed I was quoted for how important music was to me over 12 years ago.) It just showed up in a very important and special way for me this last year. Anyone who knows me, knows that I could listen to “Starting Over” by Chris Stapleton on repeat for hours. The title inspired my most vulnerable, and most proud, blog post. Without music this last year, I’m not sure how I could have survived. I thoroughly enjoy my mornings and afternoons with Oriyus because, he too, loves music. We have the best dance parties and singing competitions in the car, listening to music on full blast, enjoying just being in the moment. It is incredibly therapeutic for me and a very personal experience. I always find myself turning to music when my grief is heavy and when I needed to have fun. Don’t underestimate the healing power of listening to your favorite music.

#20. I get way too attached to characters from TV shows and movies. LOL. Just a fun one to wrap this up. I started Schitt’s Creek this summer just to have a mindless thing to do on nights that I was alone. I had heard good things about it, and also heard that it was overrated. The first couple episodes and seasons, I felt the same. It was just whatever to me, but I couldn’t stop watching. As the season went on, I really grew to love Alexis and David. I finished the series this past weekend, and SOBBED. I sobbed at the character growth they both made along with their families, while still being true to who they were as people. I sobbed at David’s wedding and the “Jazzagals” singing The Best. I sobbed when Patrick bought David a house, and they chose to live in Schitt’s Creek instead of move to California and New York. I laughed and sobbed when the sign was changed to show the family. And this is not the first family or the first characters that I have gotten attached to. I watched “How I Met Your Mother” twice through already, and am on my third time. I am determined to marry a Gary from “A Million Little Things.” I had all the feels in the anxiety attack scene between Randal and Kevin, and every time Rebecca had a pregnancy scene in “This Is Us.” I would keep a hospital hostage to make sure my son got a new heart, like John did in “John Q,” and would have cut off all the limbs of anyone who killed my family, just as Clyde did in “Law Abiding Citizen.” I could go on and on; call me silly or ridiculous, but TV and movie characters are more than just characters to me – they’re real people!

Part three (and the finale) coming soon!

The big 3-0. I reached 30 last weekend. I was pretty anxious and slightly unamused at the thought of reaching this next milestone. But as it came and went, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. I don’t know if it was because it was quite literally a month worth of celebrating thanks to my sisters and my parents, or if it was because age is just a number, or if it is because I am totally ready to put the bullshit of my 29th year behind me, or if it is because I’ve just grown as a person. I think it’s a mixture of all of the above, and today, I can say that I am pleased and thankful that I just get to see another year. I am healthy, I am grateful, I have an amazing son and hype squad, and I am really taking care of myself.

To celebrate turning 30, I thought I’d come up with 30 different things I’ve learned in my 30th year of living.

1. Don’t break promises to yourself. This is something I am still working on, but I think it has a very important meaning. We don’t like it when people break promises they’ve made to us, and we don’t feel good about breaking promises to other people, so why is it ok to over and over again break promises to ourselves? I’m here to tell you, it’s not ok. We are the only person that we spend every single day with. We set so many amazing intentions for our lives, but find it so easy to push those goals and dreams aside for other people and make excuses for why they “can’t” or “won’t” happen. We need to stop doing this. If you are doing this now, STOP IT. Get up and exercise. Drink more water. Travel. Save money. Quit the job. Stop breaking promises to yourself. Read, write, try new things. Keeping promises to yourself help you feel strong and confident. It makes you happier. If you are filling up your tank, you’ll have more to give to others. You’re not gonna fill your tank if you continuously break promises to yourself.
2. Boundaries in relationships are an essential part of self care. Without boundaries, we are easily taken advantage of, which then leads to anger, resentment, pain, and burnout. Boundaries are important in all the different relationships we have with people – physical, emotional, sexual, professional, relational, personal, financial. Someone can cross any one of these boundaries at any given time, and we have to be ok with saying “NO” or “STOP,” or “I am not ok with this,” and set that boundary so that it does not get crossed again. Setting these boundaries early in relationships, followed by your consistency at setting them, will create healthy, meaningful relationships with others. You do not owe anyone any of your free time. Or anything for that matter.
3. Therapy is beneficial for everyone. I started therapy back in October not really knowing what to expect or what I hoped to get out of it. I am not a licensed therapist, but I was enrolled in a lot of the same courses in my graduate study as I pursed my school counseling degree that the mental health clinicians were taking. I do a lot of counseling at my job, so I thought that therapy really wouldn’t benefit me – I could just help myself. But, that’s not how it works. It is incredibly helpful to have a person on the outside challenge your thinking and validate your feelings. Therapists are people who are not always on your side and not biased, which we need in order to grow. I often go into therapy not knowing what I am going to talk about, but an hour always flies by. And, honestly, a lot of what we have talked about are things that I counsel my students on daily, but hadn’t/haven’t applied to my own life. It’s a good reminder that I, too, am human, and have feelings, and struggle with the things. It reminds me that I am constantly growing, and we all need a little kick in the butt to grow!
4. Be compassionate with yourself. We are so good at being gentle, kind, and understanding for other people but struggle with doing that for ourselves. We expect the house to be spotless all the time, AND bathe all our children, AND have them have organic healthy meals, AND be in the best shape of our lives, AND get 8 hours of sleep, AND have all the laundry always caught up, AND work a full time job, AND be perfect. We are not perfect, and we are going to be tired and we are going to fuck up and make mistakes – we are human. We are allowed to do those things. We are allowed to rest. If you are doing your best, you’ve already won. There is potential and growth in making mistakes, so be compassionate with yourself through those mistakes, and learn from them.
5. Simple things are big things. At my maternal grandfather’s burial this spring, the priest described my grandfather as a simple man, as he found the most wholesome, genuine joy from the simple things – walking the dog, scratch tickets, reading the newspaper, dancing in the backyard, fires, being outside, seeing his children and grandchildren happy. Often times, people think we need the big trips and big houses to make us feel most fulfilled. But, the priest was right – my grandfather was a pretty happy man, and never needed the materialistic, “BIG” things to be happy. Big things bring an immediate gratification, but that feeling doesn’t last long; searching for happiness in the big things always leads to looking for the next big thing. When we find joy in the simple things, they start to become who we are and make us happy on a daily basis. I took a vacation in May, and stayed home with Oriyus. We made some day trips to the zoo, mini golf, out for ice cream, movies. You know, simple things that we didn’t need vacation time to do. At the end of the vacation, Oriyus and I were laying in bed, and he said he had “so much fun” while we were on vacation, and thanked me. I could sit outside in sweats, drinking white claws, playing ASSHOLE, eating cheese and crackers, and being with people I love and feel just as happy as I would drinking fancy, expensive wine in some exotic place. I too enjoy the simple things just as much as I do the “big” things. They’re more important than the big stuff. Spend more time doing the simple things.
6. Love is intentional and a choice. You do love just as much as you feel it. You can’t love someone by giving them your love language. You have to love someone in the way that they need to be loved. It is so, so important for you to know what your partner’s love language is, and then choose to do it, every single day in order for a relationship to sustain through the challenges. It has to be monotonous for it to last.
7. We are what we do every day. I am a creature of habit. There is not a lot that is spontaneous about me, so I rely on other people to be spontaneous and include me in their spontaneity. I plan, make to do-lists, organize my grocery list by how the aisles are set in the store (thanks mom), color coordinate everything, and follow a schedule. Since becoming a mom, I took a lot of ownership in my morning routine, and am always working on improving it. I get up, go pee, brush my teeth, drink 8oz of water followed by my pre-workout while packing food for Oriyus and I, journal, record my gratitude for the day, leave my morning poop, work out, shower, wake up Oriyus, finish getting ready, make sure Oriyus is ready, and out the door we go. Honestly, like clockwork. It sets my mood for the day, and it helps me feel in control. When I do my morning routine, I feel more patient and kind. I mom better, and I perform better at work. If for some reason any of that doesn’t happen, I feel it and notice the difference. This also goes for relationships. We are who we surround ourselves with. You don’t like who you are? Look at what you’re doing daily and the 5 people you spend the most time with. You’ll see yourself in those habits and those people.
8. Break the rules. Oh! One of my favorites. I couldn’t tell you what my therapist and I were talking about, but I do know that we were talking about my rigidity. (Yes – with being organized and following a schedule, comes being rigid in behavior and expectations. This is something that I’m working on with her because being left-side brain dominant has its benefits, but it also has its challenges). She shared with me an article she read about a woman who didn’t use the dishwasher because she didn’t trust it to clean the dishes (ME!!!!) and said that the dishes came out dirty so she’d just end up having to hand wash them anyways. The therapist that the woman in the article was working with said, “So? Run it twice.” LIGHT. BLUB. There’s no rules to how many times you have to run the dishwasher; you can run it more than once. I so needed to hear that that day. I think as women, and maybe more specifically, moms, we set so many unrealistic and unreasonable rules for ourselves that are just nonsense. Like, clean and cook and shower etc. while the baby sleeps. Uhm… no. SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS! The mess in the house can wait. You won’t catch me using a dishwasher – I still prefer to hand wash my dishes – but you will see me taking a break. You will see me resting. You will see me breaking the rules. And that is ok. That doesn’t make us bad people. Break them, especially the stupid rules we make for ourselves.
9. Being alone is not scary. This last year is the longest I have gone being single since the 8th grade. I always had someone, so I never really knew what it was like to be alone. Part of my identity through high school, college, and my 20’s was being so-and-so’s girlfriend. I never lived alone either – always with the father of my son or my parents. So it was really new and really scary to be alone once I got my own place and didn’t have nights with Oriyus. That means I had to get to know myself. Come to find out, I kinda really love who I am! Don’t get me wrong – I fucking miss Oriyus like crazy when he’s not with me. The blessing in being single and having to co-parent at the same time right now is that I really am able to spend some time focusing on myself. And falling in love with myself! Reflecting on the last four to seven years, I probably stayed in a relationship that I shouldn’t have for far too long because I was afraid of being alone, because I didn’t know what to do. The relationship was familiar, and familiar is safe. But being forced to be alone really made me learn a lot about me. I didn’t isolate, and it wasn’t scary. It is very nourishing and refreshing to spend some time alone. I truly believe me being alone now will help me be a better partner if and when the time comes.
10. Feelings let you know how alive you are. Some feelings are incredibly uncomfortable and incredibly hard to manage. No one wants to feel angry, or sad, or worried, or stressed, or anxious. But, they all are inevitable feelings. I am a very, very emotional person, and I feel all things pretty intensely. It is a turnoff for some people, but honestly, I’d rather feel all the things intensely than to not feel them at all. Pushing down or blocking out feelings results in some form of blow up whether it’s anger or isolation or drinking way too much. In order to move past the feelings we are having, we have to move through them. We have to feel them. Ignoring our feelings might make it go away temporarily, but the root (the feeling) is always going to be there until you address it and accept it. Feelings are amazing reminders that we are alive, and we have the power and the strength to overcome any uncomfortable feeling that we are challenged with.

As I was drafting this, I realized I had more to say about each of these things instead of just the 30 lessons or messages I wanted to share. I probably could write an entire post on each of these lessons! So, process and think about these 10 for now. Stay tuned for Part 2 and Part 3.

I had been preparing myself for this day for the last couple of weeks. I knew it was coming, and I thought that I prepped myself as I approached the first year “anniversary” date of splitting with the father of my son – my person of 7 solid years as a couple – and throwing myself into a complete restart of my life. I woke up at 3:30am, hit snooze for about 24 minutes before finally rolling out of bed, got in my morning routine to include writing, gratitude, and a home workout, and jumped in the shower. Things up until that point felt just like any other morning; I had prepared myself so that today would feel like any other day. Then I was hit with so many emotions all at once – sadness, fear, anger, anxiety, stress, doubt. And relief. And pride. I caught my face in my hands, and told myself to breathe as I felt welts of tears fill my eyes. I took a few deep breaths, told myself that it was “ok,” and gave myself permission to sob.

And I did. I sobbed. My red, blotchy, ugly cry sob. I fell to the floor in my bathroom and kept crying, listening to “Starting Over” by Chris Stapleton on repeat. I texted three of my closest girlfriends looking for them to virtually pick me up off the ground, and that’s exactly what they did.

“I’m so proud of you. This was so hard, but you did it.”

“Nothing is wrong with you.”

“Look at all the progress you have made! You are happier now than you were then. But I understand. You’re grieving the life that could have or should have been. You are allowed to be sad today.” And, I was sad.

August 26, 2020 was a Wednesday. I had just gotten home from having dinner with a friend. My ex had the day off with Oriyus, and was sitting in the living room on his phone. I had decided over that past weekend that I needed to make some changes in my life, with the first and biggest change being leaving him and a life that was so familiar to me. My plan was to finish packing the rest of that week, celebrate my upcoming birthday two days later with some friends from work, and officially move out of my once home in Nashua to move in with my parents. My mom and dad had spent the week cleaning two bedrooms, and getting them ready for Oriyus and I. I wasn’t planning on leaving until after my birthday, but once I got home from dinner, I could not stand being in that apartment any longer; it was torture for just the couple days that we had come to this decision and I was still living there. I had to go. I grabbed what I could and threw it in my car, took Oriyus, and we left. We did not get to Plymouth until after 9:00pm. I texted my boss saying that I needed tomorrow to finish moving, and he reassured me that I could take whatever time I needed to get settled – both physically and emotionally.

My dad and I took a trip to the apartment that next day and got the rest of what I wanted. We took pictures of how we left things, and I cried as I walked out the door and the whole way back to Plymouth. I was so, so angry that after 7 years together… after making a promise to each other with an engagement ring… after a child… after 3.5 years of questioning how he felt about me and where he saw our future’s going… that I was the one that had to move out. Ultimately, this time was the “official” split between the two of us, and because I was the one who made the decision that we could no longer be together, he felt that I had to leave, not him. Nothing in that home, I didn’t put there. I touched everything in that apartment that made it a home (aside from the awful stiff white couch). I made Oriyus’ room what it was, and I left everything (minus his clothes and things that I was personally attached to) so that I didn’t disrupt the only home that Oriyus knew.

I resented my ex for 6 months for having to be the one to leave things behind and move out. I resented him for giving me no other option but to leave. I resented him for no longer getting to enjoy our backyard and pool, and the daily search for the bunny that lingered in the tree line. I resented being the one that had to leave, the one that looked like the bad guy, because he didn’t love me anymore.

I never thought I’d have to step into that home again. But, 6 months later, to the day, I did. We were supposed to meet at our weekly meeting spot so that Oriyus would get his day off with his dad. His phone had died, so his alarm didn’t go off, so an unplanned, unprepared, unwelcomed trip to Nashua, the place I left, had to happen. As I pulled in to the complex, my heart dropped into my stomach. I knew I wouldn’t make it back to Manchester for work if I didn’t use the bathroom, so I sucked it up, and I went inside. The second I stepped in the door, I was overwhelmed with memories and suppressed feelings. Furniture was moved and new furniture was brought in, wall hangings were still on the walls, glimpses of new and old pictures scattered the living room, curly nappy hair was still in the bathroom sink, Oriyus’ bedroom looked exactly how I left it, and I was instantly filled with extreme sadness. It was really, really hard to see the home of my son, knowing that more memories were being made there that I was no longer apart of.

In retrospect, I think I needed to go back to that apartment one last time. When I was in my car headed to work, I cried the whole way home, but not because I missed it. I no longer resented my son’s father for telling me that I had to leave if I was the one ending the relationship. I honestly don’t think I could continue living in a home where he and I shared so many beautiful and horrible memories without him there, too. It was a very painful closure to that part of my life that I didn’t realize was important that I had. One I didn’t know I needed. I no longer resented my ex for that. I actually respected him and admired his strength for being able to stay there for almost another entire year before leaving himself.

When I started looking for homes, the only thing that I needed was a place of safety and security, and a place I could heal. Divorce and leaving the person you imagined spending your life with his messy and difficult, so I needed a place where I could heal. And I found that in my small, quiet little apartment.

The first few nights sleeping in my new place alone were weird. It was one thing not having Oriyus in the next room over sleeping, but it was another without his dad. This was the first time that I truly was living on my own. We made our relationship exclusive in February 2013, I graduated college in May 2013, and we moved in together in September 2013. And had not been apart since. We had many apartments together, and here I was – 29 years old, first time living alone as an adult, since becoming an adult, with a child.

Man was it fucking hard. Harder than I expected it to be. I heavily relied on melatonin, CBD oils and evening facemasks, and a noise machine all just to sleep hour stretches at a time at night. For a long, long time, my identities were “mom” and “his fiancé/wife/girl.” And honestly, I was ok with that. I loved these roles in my life. Leaving, I obviously lost a huge identity because I wasn’t his girl anymore. You never stop being a mom or a parent, but on nights that he wasn’t with me, I didn’t have to get dinner ready or do bath time and get him to bed. I didn’t get to ask Oriyus on those nights how his day was and do his nightly positive affirmations. So, I was forced to find out who Katie Kelly was and who she wants to be. I was alone for the first time in 7 years.

I used this time alone to process and be with my thoughts. It was the most important (and at times, most painful) part of my healing process. I definitely went out with friends and rekindled relationships that I hadn’t poured into for so long because I was so invested in my roles as a partner and a mom. But I spent more time alone the last 8 months than I had in total over 7 years. I allowed myself to feel how painful things felt. I went through every emotion possible, and I allowed myself to think, or cry, or journal so that I could rise above the pain I was feeling. I used my alone time to heal through pain and the feelings pain brings. At first, being alone with my thoughts and my pain was scary; now, it is nourishing and helpful.

As much as I had, really, really challenging days – days where I sobbed and didn’t want to talk to or see anybody, and days where I did not and would not get out of bed or off the couch – I have grown. Doing those things allowed me to grow. My friends are right – there is nothing wrong with me. And I am overall happier now than I had been back then. I can confidently say that I believe I am fucking hysterical and a total catch (LOL!). I talk positively to myself. I understand that I can ask for whatever I need and that it’s ok to have an issue with not getting it. I am almost a year into therapy. I started a blog. I have learned to set boundaries in all types of relationships in my life. I accept where I am at through all parts of my healing process, with the understanding that some days are going to be harder than others, and that those hard days and suffering does not define me. I have given myself the compassion that there is no deadline on how quickly grieving an healing should take and have given myself permission to move through it at my own pace. I understand that I can love someone and not be with them. I know that I can be kind and still not allow people to talk to or treat me in any kind of way.

This was easily the hardest, and scariest year of my life. I am so fortunate of what I learned from this pain. I truly feel like I have grown as a person, and I know that I am stronger person and better mom from it. I do not see my 7 year relationship with the father of my son as a failure. I actually see it as a successful relationship that ran it’s course. We made it to our finish line, and it was a beautiful journey. We have a very special, funny, intelligent, thoughtful, CRAZY 4 year old who symbolizes the love that we did have and will always have for each other. Oriyus is 100% the best parts of myself and his dad. There is life after love, and this last year has been proof of that for me.

“This might not be an easy time. There’s rivers to cross and hills to climb. Somedays we might fall apart, and some nights might feel cold and dark. But, nobody win’s afraid of losing. And, the hard roads are the ones worth choosing. Someday, we’ll look back and smile, and know it was worth every mile.”

Here’s to starting over.

I bought a writing prompt journal back at the end of February when I found myself emotionally and creatively struggling to write my next blog post. I thought that the journal would help spark some ideas for topics, but I still found it difficult to get a blog post out. I started this 365 day journal on the first day of March. Each month has a different topic, and each prompt is dated for every day of the year. It has been a great new addition to my ridiculously early morning routine; it starts my day off with creative thinking and really puts me into a positive head space. Writing has been very therapeutic for me, especially with all the “loss” and changes and grieving I have endured over the last eight months.

March’s monthly topic were prompts on my environment, specifically my home. Reflecting back now on the last month and all the questions I answered and wrote about has me wondering if this idea of “home” is part of why I have felt off for the last couple of weeks. Writing about “home” has definitely helped me refocus where I was at in this present chapter of grief and moving through the changes I have experienced, but it also made me question where I feel most at home, and how I’m not sure where that is anymore.

People use the words “home” and “house” as interchangeable synonyms. But, for me, they are very, very different. I truly believe that you live in a house, and who you are with and what you are doing, and what you do with and in the house makes it a home. I have referred to many different places and people as my home, but reflecting in my daily journal prompts, I really believe I have had many, many houses, and only a couple of homes.

I was fortunate enough to spend the first 21 years of my life in a home. I grew up with a mom and dad who love each other, and two younger sisters that reminded me every day how important (and how challenging) it was to be a role model. It wasn’t a large home by any means, and we weren’t considered “rich,” but I felt rich. Our home was full of love and laughter, and the best birthday parties and the biggest Christmas’, and tons of photo albums full of happy memories. When people ask me what my first memories are, I remember joyful times, not traumatic ones. I was very lucky to have grown up in the home that I did. But, then I had moved out, unexpectedly and impulsively, in 2013 after I had graduated college to begin my life with my son’s father. Looking back, I probably had rushed the process, but at the time, it was what I wanted and what I needed as I ventured out into the “real” world with a “big kid job” and a person I loved. That was just the next step. I never moved back home once I moved out that September.

He and I lived in many, many different houses, that were actually apartments. One in George’s Mills, one in New London, and three different ones in Nashua. One of them being the townhouse apartment that we brought our son into, and the last house we lived in together. Our townhouse was much larger than the other apartments we lived in, and I was truly excited for this home that we would have together as a small family. Eventually, that home stopped being a home, and became a house. I denied it for a long time, but once I accepted that my house was no longer a home, I knew it was time to leave. It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make because of all the positive, exciting memories I had created with my son and his father, and because it was the only home my son knew. But, it was not a home for me no matter how hard I tried to make it stay a home. You can’t force something that just isn’t meant to be.

So when I moved out, I knew exactly where I needed to be for my emotional and mental state to be protected and safe. I needed to be in the first and best place I called home, with two of the most important people in my life. I needed to move back to my parents home after being away for 7 years. I remember calling my mom at 12:30am on a Sunday midnight, not asking, but telling her I needed her to make room for my son and I because I was coming home and bringing him with me. No questions asked, she and my dad went to work and made room for us. My parents have always told me that I can always come home, but I never thought I would need to. “When your back’s against the wall, baby, come on home. I’m always here for you.” (“The Man Who Loves You the Most,” by Zac Brown Band. Ugh, all the feels.) That was them. That still is them.

Coming home during one of the most difficult times of my life was one of the best things that I could have done myself. However, I could not stay there for long. Not because my parents didn’t want us there and not because I was intruding on their home and space. My parents genuinely loved having my son and I at the house. We had such fun family dinners, nightly tooth brush dances and wrestling matches, and trying to decipher songs that Oriyus learned at daycare. (Shawty little baddie). But instead, because, after awhile, I realized that it was no longer my home – it was another house. (Mom and dad, I know you’re reading this. And please just know that it is not because of anything you did or didn’t do. I promise you. We are incredibly lucky to always have you in our corner.) I had come to the house for holidays, day visits, and sleepovers, but I didn’t live there anymore. So after being out of the home for 7 years, and having a child of my own, I didn’t feel like I could stay permanently (or semi-permanently). So, at that point, my parents home, which I love, became a house to me. “You leave home. You move on. You do the best you can. I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.” (“House That Built Me,” by Miranda Lambert.) I was lost, and I returned to a place that was safe and familiar as I got myself back to a place where I could build a home for my son and I as we start the new chapter of our lives. Thank you, mom and dad, for always allowing me to come home.

Now, my son and I have been in our temporary home since December. I love it. It is ours, and everything in it, is ours. It is small, but it is cozy. It has all of our favorite games and food in it, and it is full of love and laughter. I will never be put into a position again where I have to leave everything behind on someone else’s terms. The next time I pack my things (MY things), it will be to upgrade where Oriyus and I are so that I can give him a larger room and a larger backyard to play in. It will be with someone that makes me feel at home when I am with them, regardless of where that is. I did say at the beginning of this that a person can be home, and I truly do believe that. No matter how hard my days are at work or when I am having an internal battle with myself, wherever my son is is where I feel home. He is my home. I just pray that someday I will be able to give him more than a temporary home. I pray that someday I will be able to give him the home that my parents gave to me. For now, I am pretty ok with our temporary home.

Struck. Crushed. Madness. Swoon. Crazy. Sick. Drunk. Ache. Burn. Falling.

Have you ever noticed that most metaphors, or adverbs and adjectives used to describe love, the process of love, or the feeling of love are incredibly violent? Or relating to illness?

Take the act of “falling in love” for example. I’ve said it. You’ve said it. At some point in our lives, we all believe that we have “fallen in love.” But what does it actually mean to fall?

A fall is accidental. Uncontrollable. It happens without your consent. It is not a step, and it is not a jump. But yet, we “fall” in love. Ouch. I wonder if subconsciously, this act of “falling” in love makes us believe that love is supposed to be painful and that suffering is normal with love. Maybe this is why so many people accept the “love” they are getting instead of striving for more.

So what actually is love? The word “love” is thrown around so much in today’s every day language. We can love a person or a place. We can love an activity or a book. We love being home alone or spending time with people. But, for all of those things, we choose to love them because of other strong, positive feelings that these things give or bring to us. To me, love is an action, and it is also a choice.

I remember being asked all the time why I love someone. And to be honest with you, sometimes it was really hard to identify why I felt love for a person even though I told them that I loved them. I couldn’t define any specific moment when I went from “liking” an individual to “loving” that individual, so that pause to think of that moment made the person I was talking to question whether or not I loved them. But that’s just it. There isn’t a defining moment or an event or a thing that you have to do to earn somebody’s love. “Love” is an action and a choice. And it is something you have to consistently choose to do every single day. It is the daily, monotonous things that matter the most and what develop true love for a person. I believe I had a hard time defining why I loved someone because I thought I had to identify that one thing or that one event that turned the corner of the relationship. But it isn’t just one thing; it’s a lot of little things.

Think of exercising and following a specific meal plan in hopes to see physical results. You could exercise for 12 hours one day and eat everything that you are supposed to. You are not going to see results after one day. It takes consistency. When you keep going and going and going, eventually you will see the results of your daily hour workout at the gym and your daily healthy eating habits. You won’t be able to identify a specific day that those results showed up. Like love. One event or one grand gesture does not result in love.

I think that is why “love” alone is not enough to sustain a marriage or any type of relationship, and that is why we accept the pain and suffering in “loving” relationships. True love that is not backed up by the right action – those monotonous behaviors – is not love. It might be passion or desire or attraction (which are monotonous behaviors that are needed for true love to be sustainable!), but it is not love. If we are not choosing to be consistent with our relationship and the people we love because our emotions and attention are divided, and we shift our focus from the person we “love” to someone or something else, the “love” (or what we thought was love”) fades. One grand gesture – a trip, a ring, a vacation – does not keep love growing. The outcome is not sustainable. Like a seed. You can plant the seed, but if it does not get enough sunlight, fertilizer, and water, it is not going to grow. If you do not take care of love and do the daily, monotonous tasks, “love” is not going to strive through challenges.

I “love” Ted Mosby. You know, the main character in “How I Met Your Mother” played by Josh Radnor. I usually agree with him and his vision of love. But, I’m questioning it now. In one of the episodes, Ted says “But love doesn’t make sense. I mean, you can’t logic your way into or out of it. Love is totally nonsensical. But, we have to keep doing it or else we’re lost, and love is dead, and humanity should just pack it in – because love is the best thing we do.” Until recently, I believed that. I believed that you couldn’t control or choose who you love – that it just happens. But now, I don’t want that. I don’t want that uncontrollable, nonconsensual, nonsensical love. I want to create it. I do believe that love is the best thing that we do and that having love can protect us and the world from a lot of pain and suffering, but I am not interested in the nonsensical love anymore.

So, I am going to change my metaphors for love. I am changing the idea that with great love comes pain and suffering. I believe that we are allowed to demand more from love. Love is such a wonderful experience, whether you are talking about the act of love or the choice to do love. I don’t want to fall in love. I do not want it to happen without my consent. I want to create it. I want to chose it over and over again. I want love to be logical and monotonous. Yes, love is still going to be hard. There are still going to be painful moments in love, but it shouldn’t be hard, and I do believe that there is a difference between painful and hard. We have to remind ourselves what we want to make together when we are experiencing love with someone.

It really can be much simpler than all the sickly, violent metaphors for love. I find myself loving someone simply for spending quality time with me, – that is my love language after all – and not having to compete with other people, or work, or a cell phone, or the television. We don’t have to be doing anything special or grand at all. Simply being together, and fully present together, is how I find myself creating love for someone. Sharing stories and the sound of laughter, being ok with doing absolutely nothing day after day is how love is created for me. The consistency, even when things are hard and you don’t feel like doing it, is when love stays present for me. I no longer choose to be struck by or crazy in or drunk in or madly in love. I do not want to fall in love. I am going to be it. I am going to be love and choose it and do it every single day.

“In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we’ve got – because love is the best thing we do.”

If you’ve been with me from the start of my blog adventure, you know that the last six months have really challenged me and sent me down a path I wasn’t expecting to be on. It’s still not my favorite road, but I’m here, and I’m doing the best I can. Through this season of my life, I have become all too familiar with grief, and am learning that welcoming the feeling and the experiences with grief is the only way I am going to get through the season better than I was before I entered it.

I have had an overwhelming amount of support from family, old and new friends, and coworkers and colleagues through out the last six months. I have learned what I need from people, and am working on not being afraid to tell people what I need if they are offering their support. Sometime’s people with the best intentions and the biggest hearts have tried to offer their support and condolences, but it hasn’t been all that helpful. I actually have found myself getting irritated at what people have said, even when I know with my heart that their intention was to be there for me. The three biggest phrases that are meant to use as support that get my blood boiling are “You’re not the only one going through this. You are not alone,” “I’m sorry for your loss,” and “You are strong. You will move on.” Let me explain why these rattle my bones.

1. “You’re not the only one going through this. You are not alone.” In my case, the “this” is heart break. I am fully aware that this saying is meant to normalize the struggle I am experiencing. It is meant to comfort me knowing that I am not alone in the experience, and that there are others out there who have experienced the same thing and survived. I know that I am not alone. I could list many, many people that I could turn to, to help get through the grief I am experiencing. I also know that everyone in the world has probably experienced heart break, and they’ve survived. However, saying that while someone is in the center of their grief, actively living it and experiencing it day in and day out, is not validating. That shit sucks. The end, or change, of a relationship sucks. Feelings of regret, worries that you’ve been replaced, the wonder of what you did wrong, wishing that things were different, hearing a song on the radio and not being able to listen to it without sobbing, looking at old pictures and remembering good times, is not easy. I don’t care how many people have experienced heart break and have survived it. When I feel like my world is crashing down, let me feel that. I want to feel that. I need to feel that if I am ever going break this and be okay in any other relationship. “Even if somebody has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.” I still have what I have. Don’t take it away from me by {accidentally} invalidating me and trying to make heart break normal. I don’t need to feel badly about how I feel because other people “have it worse” or have survived it before.
2. “I’m sorry for your loss.” Ugh. The dreaded 5 word sentence that you hear repeatedly when you announce that someone you love has passed away. I believe that most people say those 5 words because death is hard, and we know that nothing you can say will make the person any less dead. It won’t make them come back. We don’t know what else to say but “I’m sorry.” It’s not the “I’m sorry” that bothers me, though; that is a basic and traditional way of empathizing with someone. Its the “for your loss” part that bothers me. Yes, physically, I lost my grandfathers. But, I didn’t lose them. I still have all their memories, I can still hear their laughs, I still see them dancing and play pranks on the waitresses when we go for lunch. Their songs and their trucks are still incredibly present for me. I did not lose my grandfathers. Yet, I heard that saying at least 50 times when I stood with my family at the calling hours. It sounded like a broken record and, honestly, it bored me. Though, I will admit, every time it was said to me, I teared up because I believed for a second that I actually lost them. But I didn’t. Saying “I’m sorry for your loss” is like the cashier saying “have a nice day” when you are checking out at the store; it’s just habit. It does not leave room for the person experiencing the death to open up and share how they are feeling. It closes the door to communication just because its awkward and the person offering their empathy doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. Remember who you are apologizing to, and why you are apologizing. You are apologizing for their grief, their suffering, the feelings and experiences that are going to come after the death. You are not apologizing for a loss, because those we love, we never really lose.
3. “You are strong. You’ll move on.” You are right. I am strong. Always have been, and always will be. The experiences that I am faced with have made me strong, and the ones I have yet to experience will keep me strong. However, moving on from something, to me, means that there is an end. A change or the way that something looks doesn’t always mean there there is an end or that something is over. I will not move on from splitting with my son’s father, and I will not move on from my grandfathers passing away. All were incredibly traumatic and difficult experiences, and I don’t want to move on from them. Like I mentioned before, I did not lose them. They are all incredibly present for me in my daily life, and they will be with how I make and keep connections with future boyfriends (or husband if I am lucky), in the way that I raise my son, the way I grow in my profession. They are all incredibly present for me in how I learn and grow as an individual and the values that I carry. So, I will never move on from them. I will, however, move forward. Life is going to continue, with or without me. And I want it to. I don’t want my life to stop just because I have had challenging experiences and made difficult decisions. I want it to continue, but I will not move on. Instead, I choose to move forward. I choose to move forward with life, through the lessons, the love, the experiences, the long nights, the tears. They are all a part of how I got to where I am today, so I choose to move forward instead of on; I don’t want to forget. I don’t want it to end.

Grief is hard. Supporting others going through a tough time is hard. Especially when we want to help, but aren’t sure what to say or do to help. And often times, there really isn’t much we can do to help. Sometimes the best help is just validating the feeling that the person is experiencing. Sometimes just being available and listening to a person is the best help. Sometimes just a check in or allowing for someone to be quiet but present with you is the best help. It is better to just be present than to say the wrong thing.

I have a major girl crush on Rachel Hollis. I’m sure any of you young adult female readers know who she is, and for those of you that don’t, you should. She is a motivational speaker, NY Times Best Selling Author, creator of the Start Today and RISE brands, holds major conferences every year for self development and growth, has her own podcast, and is 100% a cheerleader and keep-it-real-er for women. A few years ago, I came across her on Instagram. I actually saw post after post after post about her big book at the time, “Girl, Wash Your Face” first. I had taken up reading in high school, but slowed down when I became a new mom, taking me months to finish a book. But not this one. I finished this one in days (and honestly could of in hours, but again, new mom). After reading her book, I started following her on Instagram, and immediately fell in love with her energy and positive attitude. She is not a bullshitter, and is not afraid to call others out on their bullshit, especially the bullshit that people tell themselves to talk themselves out of something they are passionate about or excuses they make. Rachel quickly became someone that I admired and always looked forward to listening to her next podcast or reading her next book, and listening to her live stories and feed on Instagram.

Last spring, she announced that she and her husband of 16 or 17 years, Dave, were getting divorced. I was in total shock and total disbelief when I read her post and listened to her story on social media. I felt for her as if I knew her personally, and she was telling me that she and her soulmate were in fact not soulmates. I had listened to Rachel and Dave’s “Rise Together” Podcast where they talked all things relationships. At the time, I felt my relationship ending, though hadn’t admitted it to him, my family, my friends, or honestly even myself. I was still wanting to do and try anything to make my relationship work. I turned to the Rise Together podcast to see how I could show up for my partner, how to communicate better, how to work through difficult times, love languages and enneagram numbers to see where our compatibility was at. I really trusted and really valued their relationship and the advice they offered for all relationships.

And just like that, it was over. Similar to how I felt about my own relationship. But, Rachel mentioned in her post that she and her husband have been actively working on their relationship for three years because they felt the struggle and had all the challenges. At the end of the three years, trying to improve themselves as individuals and as a couple, it didn’t work, and they made the decision to separate. At first, the shock came from not understanding where it was coming from. I didn’t understand how a couple who looked so happy and fulfilled with each other could be faced with such a challenging decision. I didn’t understand how it could take 18 years to realize who you thought was your soulmate actually wasn’t the one. To start a family with someone, start a business, start a podcast, start a podcast about how to have a successful and meaningful relationship with someone… to just find out they weren’t “THE” one.

But, I did that too. Not a 18 years, but 11 is pretty close. A son. Multiple homes and really difficult experiences that we faced together and overcame. We did all that, but it still wasn’t working. It still wasn’t right. After I left, people were shocked. They had no idea what I, what we, were facing and going through as a couple and individually. But, like Rachel and Dave, people see what you want them to see. We didn’t want people to see the struggles we were going through. They were our struggles, and ours alone. I can’t imagine being the public figure that Rachel and Dave Hollis are, and having to announce or share something so life changing and traumatic with the world.

What this really made me think about was that everyone is fighting a battle that we know nothing about. It could be abuse. It could be mental health challenges. It could be addiction. Self-hatred. Self-identity loss. Career burnout. Infertility. Infidelity. Gender identity confusion. Gangs. Racial discrimination. Cancer and other illness. Genocide. Unemployment. Bullying. Parenting. Failed relationships. Anything. Anybody could be fighting anything. And to be honest, it’s not our business to know what those battles are. Much like the receptionist at York Harbor Motel, at the end of the day, those people facing those battles ARE HUMAN. The simplest, and often times most meaningful thing that we can do for anybody, is just be kind. People are really, really good at putting on hats and faces to match where they need to be and what they need to look like, but we can’t always believe everything we see. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies, and smiles and good times. Rachel and Dave kept their struggles from the world for three years, as did I. As do most people when they are going through something incredibly difficult.

I teach and praise and shout from the rooftops how important it is to simply be kind to other people, yet it is still something I am working on myself. I like to believe that I am a kind person, but I also know I am stubborn, bitter, and am not afraid to argue with people. I get very upset with coworkers who get so angry and upset with students. They often jump immediately to punishing students for inappropriate or unsafe behavior. Don’t get me wrong, all behavior have consequences, and the reality is that students need to have consequences for their behavior, but I see so many times that we forget why our students have the behaviors they do and where it comes from. We are a teaching and therapeutic recovery program, and no one learns from being yelled at or punished. De-escalate, then teach. I have heard teachers say they are here to teach, not build relationships with our students.

NO NO NO. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Relationships are everything. We cannot forget why our students come to us – they’ve been emotionally and physically and verbally abused and neglected, sexually assaulted, left behind and abandoned, exposed to pornography, have intellectual and developmental delays. Trauma. All before they turn 22, and often times in their pre-teen or teenage years. We cannot forget that when working with our students. Showing our students just a little bit of kindness (that includes tough love!) can make a world of difference in their recovery and growth.

But, for me – I have to challenge my own belief; why are staff getting so angry at the students? Why is it so easy to take what our student say and do to us personally? Maybe my staff are facing their own battles and struggles, and today is just harder to put on that other hat and face. I know it is incredibly easy for me to be mean to or argue with those that have hurt me. But, like I’ve said over and over again, they’re still human too. Maybe they’re still facing something challenging. A battle. Those people that have burned me deserve kindness too.

(And I’m not saying kindness like giving them permission to hurt you. But kindness can be seen by giving them space, not going back and forth in an argument, setting boundaries).

The people who have hurt us are human, and are probably experiencing their own battle, and need kindness too. This is something that I want to work on as a part of my own self growth and recovery. I don’t want to excuse the behavior or give permission for some people to talk to me the way that they have, but I do have to understand with kindness that sometime’s its not about me. The way others think and feel about me is none of my business (thank you, Rachel). And I can be kind simply by not going back and forth with them. Not giving them the attention or time of day to be cruel.

The most important person I need to be kind to is myself. Forgiving myself for mistakes I’ve made or things I’ve said. Being compassionate and patient with myself through this new adventure and phase of my life. Some people are really good at pretending to be good or happy. I did a really good job for the first three or four months with really tough days sprinkled in between. Don’t believe everything you see, and just be kind because you don’t know who needs it. You might need it the most.