It’s OK not to be OK.

Wow. I did it. I am writing a blog. It might be just for myself, or it might be for someone who can relate, or it might be for someone who is bored. Either way, I’m here. I’ve been told I’ve got a way with my words, especially through my writing. Things just flow; most of the time I don’t even know I’m thinking while I’m writing – it just pours out. “Kate! You should write a book!” That would be super cool, and I have quite a few ideas of books mixed in with the other million things swirling on in my head on a daily basis. But, we’ll start here.

2020 man. What the actual flip. (PSA. I swear. Like, a lot. Fuck is my favorite and most used swear. But, I have a three and a half year old who parrots everything, so I’ve “replaced” it with flip. I try to anyways).

So yeah. 2020 man. What the actual fuck was that? You know how at the start of the new year, people pick a “word” to “live by” or focus their lives on? Looking back on the year, my word would be “challenge.” 2020 challenged me mentally, emotionally, physically, professionally, romantically, mom-ally, personally. It was a year of all the challenges. Challenges I didn’t see coming. It was a year of questioning everything I knew about myself, my family, my friends, my career, my beliefs, my dreams. The world. Life. Being stuck in that rut of questioning everything is exhausting. Especially when you don’t even notice that you are stuck and then BAM – you’re smacked by a mac truck going 357 mph and runs you over flat, backs up, and does it again. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

I’m a school counselor. I work at a school with students aged 8 to 21 who live with us. They are placed with us by the state and/or their school districts because they need extra help, extra support, extra treatment, extra love. I love(d) my job. I love(d) helping people, especially kids. Especially kids who don’t know what love is because they don’t have anyone who love them in the way they need or the way they understand love.

I had just returned to school after working from home for four weeks because there’s this virus that took over 2020. COVID-19? You might have heard of it. I had spent my entire first week back at work meeting with my administration and support staff, trying to figure out how we were going to get our students back into the schools while keeping our staff and our students safe. We made about five different rosters, and the final roster was a copy I hadn’t seen. It was a copy that my administration and support staff did not come up with. That entire week, my attitude was.. off? Normally, I’m super positive and super pumped up. I kept reminding myself not to get stuck on or upset about what was happening because things were going to change. And, I was right. They changed.

Every.

Fucking.

Day.

They changed. For awhile, that attitude I had brought laughter to my team as we were all stressed and didn’t know how we were going get things back under our control. “Oh. Things are just going to change. Right, Katie?” I must of heard that 100 times in three days. On day four, the truck hit me.

“Damn. Things are changing, and I don’t like it. I don’t like that they’re changing. I don’t like that I can’t see or hug or touch my students. I don’t like that I can’t be in the classrooms, running groups and doing activities with my students. I don’t like that my job is becoming more crisis response than preventative teaching (the most important reason I wanted to be an elementary school counselor I might add) because they want to keep myself and my students safe.”

I was not a pleasant human to be around that day. I was snippy. I was grumpy. I was unresponsive. I wasn’t me. I was a zombie because, while I knew things were changing, I didn’t accept it. I didn’t sit with that notion and really process what was happening. I broke down. I left my job sobbing that day. And I came to work the next day, sat in my office – where I have all four walls covered with pictures and drawings of and made by my students, and bookshelves full of reading and talking material, and cabinets full of games for those that struggle talking the traditional way, and where I sit to create meaningful, genuine relationships with my students – and I sobbed. I didn’t know when I would have a student in there with me again. My students were right down the hall, and I couldn’t see them unless they were in crisis. My boss came to check on me, and I sobbed. I apologized for being an unpleasant human the previous day, and I apologized for jinxing us by saying things were “just going to change.” He laughed. He challenged me and said, “Hey. You said they were going to keep changing. You were right. And you always want to be right.” In this moment, I didn’t want to be. Sure, I was right, but I wasn’t ok. I didn’t even know I wasn’t ok. It took getting hit by a mac truck and backed over and run over again to realize I wasn’t ok.

Little did I know, I would be faced with more challenging situations through the rest of this season where I thought I was ok, but I wasn’t. It took getting hit to realize that I wasn’t. Things at school continued to change. My grandfather was diagnosed with lung and pancreatic cancer, and went through chemo and radiation. I packed all my shit and put it in storage for three months after leaving a seven year relationship with the father of my son. More family members were diagnosed with various cancers and other family members tested positive for COVID. I felt lonely in a room full of people that I love. I cried in front of a student (and not just a tear, but those ugly boogery tears). I had a couple of my “firsts” without my ex. I was faced with mistakes I had buried away or excused. (More on a lot of these at a later time.)

I was challenged. I was challenged every day. And at the end of those days – at the end of most days – I wasn’t ok. And the day after those days, I really wasn’t ok.

But, eventually I was. And, eventually, I will be. And, it’s ok when I’m not ok. I’ve learned so much about forgiveness, patience, and compassion in this season. I’ve learned so much about self-care and self-love in this season. I’ve learned so much about recovery, resilience, and healing in this season. And, I have so much left to learn in this season. I never would have (or never will) overcome those challenges if I wasn’t ok. I sit with it. I breathe with it. I process it. I live with it.

I made it out of a very challenging year with a lot of growth and a lot of hope. I’m not out of the challenging season yet, but I’m on my way. One ok day at a time.