Put Your Mask On, FIRST

To start, I need to thank every single one of you for all the love and encouragement I received after uploading my first post. I heard from old and new friends, coworkers, and family, and connected with others on so many different levels. I know this blog is simply for me, but I am in awe and love how much it spoke to other people. I definitely have a helper personality and mentality, so to know that this helped other people makes writing my blog so much more special and important to me. Thank you all for your comments, your text messages, your kind and encouraging words, and your love over the last week.

So. What am I taking away from 2020? What is the biggest lesson I learned in the last year? Easy. “Put your mask on first.”

What the flip does that mean? For those of you who have been on a plane, you’ve heard the flight attendants say this before. During their talk before take off, the flight attendants go through all the safety features the plane has, where to find them, and model how to use them. They make sure to quickly say to put your mask on first before helping your child or anyone else for that matter. If you had asked me before becoming a mom (and before this season) whose mask a parent should put on first, I would say the child’s, every time, even when the flight attendant is telling me to put mine on first. That’s the ultimate selfless move you could make right? The plane is in a dangerous position, so much so that you need an oxygen mask, and you help someone else before putting your own mask on. Selfless right?

NO.

No. No. No. Put your fucking mask on first. What use and help are you if you are dead? I’m sorry. I know that’s morbid, but seriously? If you don’t put your mask on first, who are you helping? If you don’t put your mask on first, maybe you’ll put your kids mask on wrong and you’ll both be struggling to survive. If you don’t put your mask on first, maybe you won’t be strong enough to even put someone else’s mask on. If you don’t put your mask on on first, maybe you won’t be given another opportunity to do so. Put your damn mask on first! It’s not selfish. Its necessary.

I don’t know if it was a generational thing or what to be taught to not be selfish. According to Google, selfish (adj) means: (of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure. Growing up, I was taught that putting yourself before other people was selfish. But, now, I don’t think that’s true. Becoming a mom has made me realize how important it is to put myself first.. to put my mask on first.

Any one who knows me knows that my son is my fucking world. There is nothing I wouldn’t do to see that kid smile and laugh. I often refer to him as my person, and he is an exact replica of my heart. He will always, always be my priority and he will always, always be the most important thing in my life. To any future kids I may have, I’m sorry, but he’s my favorite.

But, how can I really care for him, how can I really give him what he needs, how can I maintain energy to keep up with him, if I do not put myself first? If I do not put my mask on first?

Taking care of yourself, and putting yourself first, is not selfish. By putting myself first, I am not disregarding other people. I am not lacking consideration for them, and I for sure am not “chiefly concerned” with my own profit or pleasure. I have to take care of myself first, so that I can be the best mom for my son. The best partner for someone else. The best daughter to my parents. The best friend to my friends. The best employee to a company. The best school counselor for my students. The best me I can be for anyone I have any sort of relationship with. Most importantly, the best me FOR ME. To me, that sounds pretty selfless. If I am not investing enough love and care into myself, eventually my tank is going to run out, and I won’t be able to invest enough love and care into other people. I am not going to have the energy, or patience, or ability to give myself to others the way they need, and they way they deserve.

I am living proof of what happens when you don’t put yourself first, and I am living proof of what happens when you do put yourself first.

When I wasn’t putting myself first, I wasn’t eating the best and I wasn’t exercising. I was overweight. My son got way too much screen time, and it took 45 minutes to brush his mane versus 20. I dreaded coming to work. My relationship failed. I stopped talking to and spending time with my friends. I stopped smiling. I stopped reading. I stopped writing. I didn’t like who I was. I was just going through the motions. Living a groundhogs day, day after day.

When I do put myself first, my health and wellness is important (while still enjoying that slice of pizza without feeling guilty about it!). My son is exhausted by the end of the night because we played Candy Land, read 5 books, did lots of puzzles and coloring and hide and seek, had a dance party, and I kicked his ass in basketball. I wake up energized and ready to start my day. I am a better partner and a better friend. I do the things I love to do. I smile. I laugh. I like who I am.

I think as parents, and moms specifically, we are taught to put our children before ourselves. I know when I was growing up, it was “family first, then church, school, your friends, your sports and your teams, then your boyfriend.” That lesson is great and all, but it’s missing a key person. Where was I in that priority list? I should have been first. We should be taught at young ages to take care of ourselves first – breathing, stretching, writing, crying, eating right, exercising, processing. We have to be taught that our feelings are valid, and we should never change or deny the way we feel to make someone else more comfortable. We have to be taught that it is OK to say “no” if its not something you want to do or don’t agree with. If we were taught that, we’d know it is ok to put our masks on first. We have to do that so that we can be our best selves for other people. We have to change our definition and our view of putting ourselves first. Putting yourself first is not the same as being selfish.

Put your damn mask on first, and everything else will fall into place.