30 for 30, Part 2

Let’s get right to it.

11. The power of AND. Changing my language from using “but/or” to “and” over this last year has really shifted my focus and my way of thinking. “But” suggests that things are either or, where “and” suggests that you can have two truths. And, (see what I did there), I see the positive power that “and” represents. We can love someone AND not be with them. We can strive to grow and heal, AND accept ourselves where we are. I am resilient AND I need a break. I gave it my all AND need to walk away. I was sure AND things have changed. I am kind, AND have boundaries. Others have it worse than I do, AND my pain is valid. I did my best, AND now I know more. Things don’t always have to be a pick one; you can have two truths. “And” is refreshing, and enlightening, and powerful, and understanding. I have worked really hard at changing my language, and I have noticed a difference in my outlook on everything.

12. People’s opinions of you are none of your business. Thanks, Rachel Hollis. Let’s say it again – people’s opinions of you, how they feel about you, and what they think about you, are none of your business. This was a really difficult concept for my to accept in my own life, and if I’m being honest, it still is hard for me. Growing up, I constantly cared what people thought about me; I wanted them to like me and took it incredibly personally when they didn’t. People are going to love you, and people are going to hate you. AND (two truths) none of it will have anything to do with you. That is ok. The most important relationship you have is with yourself, so as long as YOU like you, then you have the most important approval already.

13. It’s easier to raise a strong human than it does to heal a broken one. I’ve been really into podcasts lately, and have been drawn to “Raising Good Humans” by Dr. Aliza Pressman who is a developmental psychologist and a parent educator. As a parent myself, I of course want Oriyus to maximize his potential and have him be the most successful man possible as he get’s older. Maybe it’s the way I was raised, maybe it’s the education and training I received being in mental health and education, maybe it’s just my own values, but if Oriyus is nothing but a good, kind human, I will truly be able to say and believe that I did something right. I am a humble person, so me saying that I believe I am a damn good mom takes a lot for me to say – I don’t brag about myself often, but always will with Oriyus. Ever since Oriyus could talk, every night before we go to bed, I make him say positive affirmations. It started with just 2 or 3, but now we are up to 13. (I can’t take the credit for all the affirmations; his dad has adopted this too and has added some awesome ones as they see fit!) “I am kind. I am smart. I am important. I am brave. I am strong. I am fast. I am funny. I love my mom and dad. I am powerful. I am worthy. I am cool. I am courageous. I am confident.” And, he is definitely all of those things, and he is at the age where he is able to believe it and act on those affirmations.

We, also, talk about and share with each other the best part of our days, and I give Oriyus an opportunity for him to tell me if there is anything that I need to apologize to him for. I model taking responsibility for my behavior, which is a huge part of being a good human. It is very, very easy to blame other people for our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, when we actually are the only ones that can control that. It takes a strong individual to be able to take and accept responsibility for their actions.

He and I spend a lot of time problem solving around unwanted feelings or events that happen. I make sure that I validate his feelings, but help him correct his response to things he isn’t a fan of. It is probably the school counselor in me, and I owe a lot of my parenting techniques to things I’ve learned in my career, but Oriyus and I do a lot of social-emotional learning and self-regulation. I am a firm believer in teaching these things to Oriyus now, so that when he is faced with something much larger and possibly traumatic, he has the skills to adapt and respond safely and appropriately. Oriyus will be a strong human; he already is.

#14. “If you always tell the truth, you’ll never have to remember what you said.” I wish I remember where I heard this because it is so, so true and so, so powerful. It makes me wonder why people aren’t truthful with things, and I don’t think that there is one reason for it. I believe people don’t tell the truth all the time for lots of reasons – they don’t want to admit that they messed up or made a mistake, they don’t want to hurt someone else, they know what they’re doing or did or said was wrong, they want to blame another person, they don’t want to accept responsibility for their behavior, they’re embarrassed or ashamed.. lots of reasons. None of which are good reasons to not tell the truth. Even trying to protect someone isn’t a good reason to lie. We all do it, myself included. I’ve lied about small things and big, big things, and I have lied for all of those reasons mentioned above. In the end, not being truthful has always made situations worse and problems bigger. And it’s true; if you’re being honest and truthful, you won’t have to remember what you said because it wasn’t fabricated; it is what happened and what you felt and what you did and what you think of something. It’s the truth. We don’t have to remember the truth because the truth just is.

#15. “Blood makes you related. Loyalty makes you family.” I honestly have always felt this way, but it has become more and more apparent to me in the last few months. Growing up, I always identified my friends and basketball team and college roommates and coworkers to be family in addition to the family I was given through blood. My relatives and I have been faced with some pretty challenging experiences over the last couple of years, and more specifically this last year. There have only been two ways to overcome these challenges – together with loyalty, or apart. Unfortunately, some of those people that I had identified as family over the years because of our shared blood have showed me that we are simply just related. It is really, really easy to stick around during “easy” times. People show their loyalty through the challenges and difficult moments. Their loyalty during these challenges disappeared, supporting that at the end of the day, we are only related. I don’t like it, and I am ok with it. I do have a lot of amazing, loyal people in my life that I consider to be my family, so I don’t need relatives that don’t want to be there – and yet still identify themselves as family – if they are not going to be loyal.

#16. Grief isn’t just for death. Hot topic here! And, a main focus of my biweekly therapy sessions. We talk a lot about grief – what it is, how it affects us, how it doesn’t ever really go away, how we deal with it, and that it isn’t just for death. Prior to this year, I had only had two important people in my life pass away – my grandmother and a friend I had had since preschool. I have been to my fair share of funerals and wakes and services, but they were the only two that I really grieved. And then 2020/2021 hit, and I separated from a long term relationship with the father of my son, and my grandfathers passed away within 5 days of each other. I spent a majority of the last year grieving those things. Eventually the weight of those things gets less heavy, and the grief is still there. That was expected. However, what I didn’t realize was that I was also grieving the fantasy and visions I had for the future for myself, my son, and his father – the places we would go, the memories we would make, the family we wanted. That piece is still really, really hard for me. I have accepted and am ok with and happy with our co-parenting situation, but all the could of and should of and plans I had and are no longer there, hurt. It is something I am still working on, and the heaviness of that grief comes and goes. The first Christmas and the first Mother’s Days, and all of the other firsts were really fucking crappy. Each year will get easier and easier, but those days will also be reminders of the vision I had that is no longer there. Instead of beating myself up over still grieving that loss, I am accepting myself where I am in the process, and not giving myself a timeline for when I should be “over it.” Grief isn’t something you just get over.

#17. Treat yourself the way you want to be treated. I was raised to treat others the way I wanted to be treated – kind, respectful, polite, etc etc. I do believe that mindset is important, but I think it also made me take things personally when people still didn’t like me. As I mentioned earlier, what others think about us is none of our business. What you think of you, is your business. You cannot control others behaviors or actions. You are responsible for you, and you only. We should treat ourselves the way we want to be treated. We want others to be kind to us? Then be flippin’ kind to yourself! Talk positively to yourself. Put good things into your body. Get sleep. Do what makes YOU happy. Take care of yourself. People are drawn to how we treat ourselves. So you want others to be good to you? Then YOU be good to you.

#18. You can or you can’t. You’re right either way. This is another one about mindset. Truth is, the hopeful expression that “you can do anything you set your mind to” actually holds a lot of truth in it. If you want something bad enough, you will do whatever it takes to get it. If you put up barriers and tell you self you can’t, you’re right – you can’t. I played varsity sports all throughout high school, and could not do a push up. I honestly never thought I was going to be able to do a push up so I really didn’t even try. In soccer and basketball practices when we were asked to do push ups, I always cheated myself out of them or modified them to my knees. But guess what? I CAN do a push up. I always could. Once I started telling myself that I could do it, I did it. I know that is a simple example, but that goes for anything. You CAN.

#19. Music is healing. Another thing that I’ve always believed to be true. (Funny enough, I was flipping through my high school senior year book earlier this week, and noticed I was quoted for how important music was to me over 12 years ago.) It just showed up in a very important and special way for me this last year. Anyone who knows me, knows that I could listen to “Starting Over” by Chris Stapleton on repeat for hours. The title inspired my most vulnerable, and most proud, blog post. Without music this last year, I’m not sure how I could have survived. I thoroughly enjoy my mornings and afternoons with Oriyus because, he too, loves music. We have the best dance parties and singing competitions in the car, listening to music on full blast, enjoying just being in the moment. It is incredibly therapeutic for me and a very personal experience. I always find myself turning to music when my grief is heavy and when I needed to have fun. Don’t underestimate the healing power of listening to your favorite music.

#20. I get way too attached to characters from TV shows and movies. LOL. Just a fun one to wrap this up. I started Schitt’s Creek this summer just to have a mindless thing to do on nights that I was alone. I had heard good things about it, and also heard that it was overrated. The first couple episodes and seasons, I felt the same. It was just whatever to me, but I couldn’t stop watching. As the season went on, I really grew to love Alexis and David. I finished the series this past weekend, and SOBBED. I sobbed at the character growth they both made along with their families, while still being true to who they were as people. I sobbed at David’s wedding and the “Jazzagals” singing The Best. I sobbed when Patrick bought David a house, and they chose to live in Schitt’s Creek instead of move to California and New York. I laughed and sobbed when the sign was changed to show the family. And this is not the first family or the first characters that I have gotten attached to. I watched “How I Met Your Mother” twice through already, and am on my third time. I am determined to marry a Gary from “A Million Little Things.” I had all the feels in the anxiety attack scene between Randal and Kevin, and every time Rebecca had a pregnancy scene in “This Is Us.” I would keep a hospital hostage to make sure my son got a new heart, like John did in “John Q,” and would have cut off all the limbs of anyone who killed my family, just as Clyde did in “Law Abiding Citizen.” I could go on and on; call me silly or ridiculous, but TV and movie characters are more than just characters to me – they’re real people!

Part three (and the finale) coming soon!